My Day
I got about half way through writing a post about how much I hate the place I work, and how worthless everybody here is, and how bad my morning is, but I realized it was just putting myself in a worse mood, so I nixed it. I got through most of the disasters this morning, so hopefully the day will get better from here.
I'm going this afternoon to stay with Patterson for the weekend, so I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'll meet his family too, which should be interesting based on all the things he says about them. I'll let you know how it goes. Nothing really new with him, except for the fact that he has made an effort to call me back when he says he will, which is awesome. I told him last night how much I appreciate it. Last night he said he wanted to ask me something, but felt weird about it. So after a long time of him saying he didn't know how to ask me he finally asked me if I like going down on him. I told him I like doing it because I know he enjoys it, but if he's asking if it brings me any kind of pleasure, it doesn't. Then I asked why he asked me that. He said "well, it's just because you've only done it like a couple times... so I was just just wondering." Wait, wait wait... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT????? A couple times?? I was like "are you kidding me? I mean seriously, is this a joke? I've done it dozens of times, what are you talking about?" He goes "Well, yeah, I know... but sex always follows when you do it. You never really do it just to do it." Oh my god. Shut up. That is the stupidiest thing I've ever heard to complain about. What a fuckin problem to have! Jesus. I just told him, "Well, yeah. Usually that's how it works. Tell me one time that you've done it for me, then stopped got up and let me go about my day. Never. So I don't really understand the problem. But, now that you've brought it up, I'll keep it in mind." Ai ai ai.
I move 2 weeks from tomorrow. I'm excited, but trying to get everything done is a pain in the ass. I haven't started packing yet, which is going to be the hardest task for me because I HATE packing. My Aunt e-mailed me the other day to tell me she's giving me $1000 to help me move! I was speechless! Nobody has ever helped me like that, especially not to that extent. My parents were always all about us earning things and doing everything for ourselves, so I've never ever gotten a hand out from them, or anyone else. My Aunt says she's so proud of the woman I've become, and knows I'll never ask anyone for help so wants to offer any help she can. How sweet is that? She's awesome, a little crazy at times, but the most generous person I know. The girl I was thinking of living with is a flake, so I dropped that idea. I'm going to stay with my brother for about a month until I get settled in a job so I can get an apartment. He's trying to convince me to stay through the holidays, but we'll see how the job hunt goes. I guess that's about it for now. Have a good weekend!
Explanation
Opaco... You're right, in the beginning, when he was here and giving me all his attention and affection it did bother me... because it scared me. It has always been so easy for me to shut people out. I have always closed my heart, put a wall up and kept everyone on the other side, which made me feel safe because if I didn't let them in, they couldn't hurt me. Then Patterson came along and treated me better than anyone ever has in my life. He was everything I've ever wanted but never had, so I didn't think it existed. When he showed up, I was like oh shit, I think this is someone I can trust and open up to, which means he can hurt me. So I tried to push him away. But he planted his feet, and didn't go anywhere. He knew I had these these issues, and instead of saying fuck this, he stuck around to help me through them. The problem now is that I've begun to open up to him when we're together, then when he leaves there's this distance between us, not just in miles. So it's kind of like... a kid who's mom gives him a lollipop, then slaps him in the face. The kid is like wait... she was just nice to me, now she hit me. So does she love me or hate me? What's she going to do next? Should I go get the lollipop next time she gives it to me, or am I gonna get slapped again? That's the best way I have to describe it. It's not that I didn't like all the attention in the beginning, it's just that nobody has ever given me that kind of attention with good intentions, so it scared me.
My little ray of sunshine
This little guy can ALWAYS turn my frown upside down...
http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html.
Shock of my life
He called! He said he would call, and he did! Halle-fuckin-lujah! I watched some great TV last night (I'm a reality show junkie)! First I watched
Gia, which I really liked. Then I watched Growing up Gotti, and The Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes, which is awesome because the entire season is filmed in New Mexico. Last night they were at the lake that my brothers and I used to fish at when we were little, but I'll talk more about that later. Anyway, I could tell I was going to have one of those nights where I'm so tired I can't sleep, so I took some Tylenol PM and laid in bed to watch the battle of the sexes, then fall asleep. About half way through the show (go figure) my phone rings, I thought for sure I was imagining it because it was Patterson's ring tone. So I looked, rubbed my eyes, looked again... it was him. I figured he must have the wrong number, that he couldn't have actually meant to call me. He called just to talk, which was a nice surprise because I certainly didn't expect it. I was prepared to shoot up my last dose of reality TV, then float away on my Tylenol PM cloud. We talked for about an hour & a half about lots of things. The shows I watched, his family, my family... and the problem we're facing. He goes "So, are you ok?" I asked him what he meant, and he goes "you know... are you happy?" I told him "In general, sure I'm happy. In this relationship... you have the ability to make me very happy, but lately, no I haven't been happy at all. I don't feel like you want this as much as I do, and if that's the case, if this is too much for you right now please tell me so we don't hold eachother back from anything." He was like "Babe, I want to be with you. You know that. I think about you all the time, and would see you every day if I could. I love you." I told him I have a hard time believing it seeing as how he always tells me he'll call and never does. He was like "I know, I know I do that and I'm sorry. It's a very bad habit of mine. Not just with you, with everyone. My mom, my sisters, everyone. But I will try to get better at it." Then he went on about how forgetful he is, blah blah blah. His tone during this conversation was MUCH more soft and comforting than the conversation we had earlier yesterday when he just got defensive and had attitude. He said he's working on getting his car fixed so he can come down next weekend when
Cop and his wife come over to bbq, and also the following weekend to help me move. We'll see about that. I decided I'm not going to call him, and see what that does. I haven't called him at all today. He sent me an IM to say he was thinking about me, he hopes I'm having a good day, and he'll call me later. I won't hold my breath.
Last night I also talked to my best friend of 17 years, we'll call her...
Crackbaby. (In high school I used to call her crackbaby, and she called me hooker. They were our terms of endearment. God, I love that girl!) Anyway, being best friends for 17 years, we've seen eachother through EVERYTHING. All of our firsts (Actually, in 5th grade when I was going out with
First, I had to move away, and as soon as I left she started going out with him. We still laugh about it, especially when I found out how bad he is in the sack.), all of our mistakes, all of our good and bad days... everything. So, naturally I call her with this one. She says very simply "He's not dependable. Dump him." Then continues with "But... I know that it's much easier said than done. So I don't expect you to do it." Then I asked her what's going on with this Lawyer she just broke up with for the 100th time and she laughed and goes "I slept with him last night. That's why I'm not lecturing you, because of all people, I definitely know it's easier said than done."
Benz (my gay friend that I work with) is the same way, he's adamant about me dumping
Patterson, but at the same time the same thing is happening to him. He's in this relationship with a selfish, arrogant, cocky asshole who treats him like a red-headed step child, but
Benz refuses to leave him.
Cop and his wife... another example. My oldest brother and his girlfriend... another example. What the hell is wrong with all of us???
SON OF A F@*#ING B!&@#!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deep breaths. Ok, that didn't help. I feel worse now after talking to Patterson than I did before. It's 3pm, and we just talked for the first time today... I called him, obviously. He was telling me about the appointments he scheduled and stuff, blah blah blah. I asked what he's doing now and he whispered that he's drinking because his back hurts. I was like why are you whispering? He said because he didn't want his Grandpa to know, because he'll just talk shit. He said that as soon as he gets to the Dr about his back, he won't have to do this anymore, but in the meantime that's the only thing that makes it feel better, and insisted that he doesn't do it every day. Whatever, alcoholic. Then he asks me what I meant when I said "This is getting to be too hard" the other day. He goes "What's too hard? Me?" I said yes. He was like what??? what do you mean??? are you mad because I don't see you everyday??? I told him no, i knew that would be the case from day 1, and I'm not mad about anything, I'm just saying it fuckin sucks. He goes "well what then? is it because we don't talk every day?" I was like, well, yeah. He goes "well sorry, but it's really expensive. I just got a $400 phone bill from talking to you, so I can't call that much anymore." Ummm #1, the $400 phone bill was not from talking to me. We rarely ever talk during the day, or even the night for that matter, so fuck off if you're trying to make me feel bad. #2, you're cell phone isn't the only fuckin way of communicating in the world. You can get online and talk to me on yahoo, you can e-mail, you can text message, you can use another phone, fuckin use smoke signals... jesus christ. When I told him he could always call me in the evening, when he has unlimited minutes he goes "Well, I can't always do that because that's when my Uncle likes to play Everquest." (Deep breath) THEN! He goes... "Is it because I spend so much time with my Uncle? If you have a problem with that, then I'm sorry, but he's family, and you and I aren't married. I've been away and haven't seen him for 5 years, so if he says he wants to do something with me, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to sit here and say no because I'm worried you'll get mad if I don't call you. Especially if he says he wants to play Everquest with me, because nobody ever wants to play it with me so it's really cool that he does. Just like if someone in your family wanted to spend time with you I'd expect you to do it and not worry about me." I told him I don't care what he does when he's home, he could jack off to Everquest all day, I don't care. I'm just saying when you go home, remember that I still exist and it would be really cool to get a call or 2 from you a day. I don't want you to revolve your world around me, all I'm asking for is a fucking phone call once or twice a day to acknowledge my existence. I'm not a fuckin part time job. You can't clock in and out when you please. I told him that maybe he's not ready for the kind of relationship that I thought this was going to be, and maybe he should take time to be with his family without me being in his way. He's like "No babe, I want to be with you. I do love you, and I do miss you. I swear to God I do. But hey, I better get off the phone so I don't use too many minutes. I'll call you tonight after 9:00 ok?" I just said K. Then he goes "I miss you" And since he put me in bitch mode I was like "Ok." He said "I love you." I said Ok. Then he told me again he would call me at 9:00, to which I wanted to say "yeah right" but just replied again with Ok, and hung up. God I wish the shooting range was open after 5pm, I want more than anything to go blow a target with his name all over it to shreds. Fucker.
Patterson Bio
Ok Jamie, here 's a Bio of Patterson for you. He's 26 years old, about 5'6, 160ish, very short black hair, brown eyes, Puerto Rican/Hawaiian. He spent 5 years in the army and got out a couple of months ago. Currently does not have a job because he's taking some time off since he's getting income from the Army. He enrolled at ITT Tech for Graphic Design and will start classes in March. He lives with his Aunt, but spends most of his time at his Grandpa's house playing Evercrack with his uncle and cousin. He got a back injury in the Army, and is waiting to get approval to see a Dr. for it, so in the meantime, since he doesn't have anything for pain, he drinks. Not all the time, but if his back starts to hurt, he'll drink Vodka and go to sleep. I told him there's definitely something wrong with that. He drives a Celica. He has, I think, 7 brothers and sisters. All younger. His mom and sister (who has 2 small children, but doesn't have custody of either one) live in Washington and he hasn't seen them in 6 years. His dad and stepmom (who's 25) live a couple hours away with the rest of the 6 kids. I don't think he's seen his dad in at least a couple years either. His family is pretty jacked up. His mom treated him really badly growing up, and he's having a really hard time getting over it. His dad is kind of self explanatory with the wives and all the kids, including the current wife who is younger than Patterson. His Uncle that he spends most of his time with, is a 400lb, unemployed, alcoholic who buys and drinks 8-10 40's of beer a day instead of buying food or clothes for his 10 year old son, who is also overweight. So the poor kid goes to school in janky ass, raggedy ass clothes and gets made fun of all day.
I'm the first one to say his family is jacked up, it really is. But I'm the last person to judge someone based on their family. I know quite a few people with jacked up families, but they really have their head on straight. I'm hoping that as soon as he gets everything in order and gets his life back on track, things will look up. I hope, I hope. I also know that he has a lot bottled up from the Army, things he's seen and done in Iraq, stuff with his mom and family, that he needs to get out. Kind of like I do. He's started talking to me little by little about this stuff, and I think he keeps going he'll start to do a little better. I'm sure Jamie has a completely different opinion on all of this. ; )
I can't believe it!
Get this! Patterson said he would call me tonight, and he didn't! Can you believe it! I sure can't. I mean, when he says he'll do something, he does it. This is such a shock! Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Miss P, I'm about as surprised as you are that he didn't call. The fucker. I know EXACTLY what he'll say too. "I was playing Everquest till late and decided just to stay at my Grandpa's house, and never got my charger from my aunt's house." I tried to call him once when I was sitting at the train station, waiting for my train, but sure enough his phone was dead. While we're on the subject of the train... what a fuckin nightmare! Today I was supposed to take the 5:40 train back home from San Jose. It takes 3 hours to get here, so that would've put me here about 9:00. Well, my brother and I went to see Friday Night Lights today, and I missed the train because of it. So, we went to dinner and I was going to catch the 7:40 train, which would put me here at about 11:00. I got to the train station at 7:30, and waited at Track 4, just like the lady told me to. Well, pretty soon it's 7:45 and this vietnamese lady comes up and asks if I'm going to Sacramento, and if I know where the train is. Turns out the stupid bitch that wrote Track 4 on my ticket was wrong, the train came and left from Track 1. So I missed it AGAIN. I don't know how often any of you take the train, but the train station isn't somewhere you want to hang out. Especially at night. Especially if you're a girl, by yourself! If any of you have seen the movie Adventures in Babysitting, I can relate. Anyway... so I had to sit there and wait for the next train that was supposed to leave at 8:40, and it showed up at 9:15. So I just got home about 15 minutes ago, at 1:15, and have to be out of the house in the morning at 6:30 to go to work. To top it off, I didn't even get to meet the girl I might move in with, or see the house because my brother was in a bad mood and said "I don't want to see her, I see her all day at work." So he wouldn't take me to meet up with her and see the house. I called her tonight, and had to tell her I couldn't make it, which totally made me sound like a flake and she goes "well, I would like to meet you before we set anything in stone, and I do have some other people that are interested, so do you think you could come next weekend?" Now I have to try to get out there again next weekend, instead of starting to pack because my brother decided to be a dick! I can't believe how fuckin stressed I am. I have so much to do in order to move in 3 weeks, I don't have nearly enough money as I'll need in order to make the move, I don't have a job lined up yet, I have a half ass boyfriend that offers no support when he's not here, this on top of the normal every day stress with work and everything else. I swear to God I'm going to lose it. My brother and his gf were telling me I need to find a stress outlet. All I really want to do is punch someone, just knock them the fuck out, or go to the shooting range, but that costs money that I don't have. Ok... I'm going to shut up. Goodnight.
Talk attempt
I called him a little while ago, and i'll give you one guess at what he was doing. Yup, you got it, playing Evercrack (as Eddie called it, which by the way is absolutely accurate). So just as I was about to tell him that this isn't working for me, he says "Babe, I'm so sorry but my phone is dying and since I didn't get to hear about your day yesterday I want to hear about it now. How was Fleet week? Did you have fun? Are you having fun with your brother?" So we talked about that, then he was asking questions about my family, then his phone started beeping that it was going to die, and he left the charger at his aunt's house so he said he would get it tonight and when he plugged it in, he would call me.
