Music cures all
I've come to realize that music is just a natural healer to your problems. Ok, not all problems, but it can definitely cure a lot. Matt and I were talking about that tonight, and about how we associate so many memories and feelings with songs. So, after thinking about this today, I decided to start posting a new video every week on my blog. Just kind of my favorite song of the week type of thing. Some you may like, some you may not... but at least you'll know what I'm listening to ; )
My day was good, can't complain. Work was fine, I just have a "kill them with kindness" attitude with the office b!tches. Whether they come around or not I could really care less, but I refuse to let myself be as miserable and catty as them. There's one total hottie at work, he's married so he's just eye candy, but he's the nicest guy. Just very friendly, and happy. His best friend who also works there is the same way, not as cute, but just as nice. I've learned the work really fast, which is great for me. That means less questions I have to ask. But, of course, that doesn't please the office b!tches because now they think I'm showing off which is totally not the case. They're so funny.
Patterson e-mailed me today. Random. That's the first time he spoke to me since we broke up. He said "
i have moved to hayward, and i have gotten alot of things together out here. and it is far different then i remember it being. but i just wanted to say hello. and if i bothered you i am sorry." Hmm. Well, ok then. I responded just saying basically that i'm glad he's doing well.
I talked to one of the newlyweds today and told her that her and her husband should come up and visit (they live about 2 hours north), and we could go to Santa Cruz and Monterey one weekend in February. She was like "
oh that would be so fun! Let's stay the night there! What weekend do you want to go? I'll tell Marine too, I'm sure he'll want to go." Yeah, um, I just forgot I'm all booked up... forever. Nevermind, sorry about that. Fan-fucking-tastic. I love her to death, she's awesome. BUT, she's very stubborn and very blunt. Once you say you'll do something there's no going back on it. AND, she keeps pushing for Marine and I to be together, so if I tell her I don't want him to go, she'll ask why, I'll have to tell her and then she'll push even harder. So... basically I'm stuck. Let the drinking begin!
::::Yawn::::
The new job is going well, I like it so far. I work in a huge office building full of b!tches. That's right, b!tches, all of them. Well, no, not all of them. All but two. There are two girls who are really nice, everyone else... fuck em. I think it's hilarious the way women are. So territorial. Bitch, don't take it out on me because you've been in the same data entry clerk position for 15 years. The men, however, are awesome. So friendly, so nice, so happy. The mail room guy asked me out on my first day. I took Miss P's advice and just said "No thanks." Thanks, by the way, it worked! = ) He's seems great, but I'm definitely not getting myself into that mess right now. That's all I need is office drama.
My brother and his wife took me out to dinner last night to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my job. It was nice, we had a good time. Not much else to say as far as they're concerned. I told my older sister what my brother told me the other night and she was like "is he fucking kidding?!?!" Then she told my brother (in-law) who said my brother's a dick. haha! She said she still really thinks I should move back in with her for a while in NM so I can catch up and get on my feet. It's SO tempting, so unbelievably tempting. I would love to go back and stay with them for a while like she said and catch up, get a little bit ahead, maybe start school again. It would be so easy to do out there. Not here, it's damn near impossible here if you don't have help. On the other hand, I do love it here. It's beautiful, I have great friends that I want to start hanging out with again, and I feel like I'd be missing out on so much opportunity in both business and pleasure if I were to go back to NM. So, I really have NO idea what to do. No idea at all. Maybe it will come to me in a dream. I'll let you know.
Does it ever stop?
I just want one week, or even one day for that matter to be stress free. Just one day God, is that too much? I start this temp job tomorrow that will last through February, so I'm definitely happy about that. Well, last night I had an incident that I won't go into details about, all I'll say is that lots, and lots, and LOTS of blood was involved. So, per the Dr's advice, I didn't get out of bed today. I'm laying there resting and my brother comes in being really nice asking about the job I'm starting and stuff like that, a little too nice so I knew something was up. Sure enough, he tells me it's about time for me to move out. He said very nicely that it's been two months, which is what we agreed on and that he wants me to be able to leave on good terms how we are now, rather than wait and risk leaving on bad terms. Ok, now let's see... you come to me the day before I start my temp job knowing that I have very little money right now, and tell me that it's about time for me to go because our agreement is up??? That's fantastic. So I tell him that I don't want to be here one day longer than I have to, and my plan is to work and bank a little money so that I have enough for a deposit to get into a new place. He wasn't exactly thrilled with that because that would mean I would have to stay here a little longer, so he basically, indirectly gave me a 30 day notice. Gotta love family. I have a lot more to say about this, and why it is so fucked up, but I just don't feel like getting that far into it. So whatever. I'll figure something out.
I f*cking knew it!
I am so pissed off at myself for doing what I KNEW I shouldn't have done. I'm sure you can guess that I'm talking about going to see Marine. By the way, to avoid anticipation... Jamie, start collecting your money. So, I get up at like 8am on Thursday get ready and get to Marine's house at like 11am. As soon as I saw him I regretted going. He looked SO FUCKING HOT!!! I got butterflies, and nervous, and all the feelings I thought were gone came back like a ton of fucking bricks. I was like oh fuck, this is gonna suck. The last thing I wanted was for him to know how I feel about him because I know he doesn't feel the same way, so it would be pointless. So we just hung out and talked for a while and in my head I just keep thinking "I can't believe I'm still in love with him!" it's so fuckin frustrating! I wish I could just turn it off.
Then around noon he decides to make lunch (since I was too late for breakfast), so we're about to sit down and he asks if I want a beer with my lunch. Sure, I could definitely use something to ease my nerves. We eat lunch, then we just keep talking at the table and keep drinking beer. After a few beers, I was more relaxed and able to just enjoy the day. I tell him we should play a game, so we go on a hunt for cards but couldn't find any, so we settle on quarters. Oh, and before the quarters started we each had 2 shots of this greek liquor called
Ouzo. So, obviously we're feeling really good. I usually suck at quarters, but it was my lucky day and I was killin him. I just kept making it and he kept taking his shots of beer. But, then as he got more drunk he got better, and the more drunk I got the worse I got.
So at about 4:30, we're both shitfaced, and I ask him what time the newlyweds are supposed to come to dinner. He goes "Oh shit! That's right! Ummmm 6 or... 6:30, I think." I asked what we're making and he has no idea. So we decide to make soup, salad, and tortelini. We go to the store (thank god it was only a couple blocks away) and buy all the ingredients and a couple of duraflames, he says "These are for in case I decide to get romantic on your ass." I just cracked up. So we get back to his house and he starts cooking, and we switched to drinking wine. The newlyweds get there and we had so much fun with them. Dinner was great, then we decided to move to the den and light a fire. So we sat, talked, drank with them for a couple hours, then they leave.
It's now about 11pm and Marine and I have been drinking since 12pm. So we are both pretty darn drunk. I tell him I'm freezing so he gets one of his sweatshirts and puts it on me, as soon as he pulled it over my head he kissed me. I just looked at him like "What the...?", then he hugged me. He pulled away still holding my hands and told me how much he cares about me, and how crazy he's been about me ever since high school, and what a great friend I've always been through everything. Up until the friend part I was starting to get nervous again. So we stood there and talked for a minute and he goes, "do you think it would a bad thing if we had sex tonight?" Ok, I'm drunk, he's absolutely gorgeous, and I realize I'm still in love with him... do you REALLY think I'm going to say no??? Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? No. So he kissed me again, we talk some more then I just went and laid down on his bed. Mostly because I was dizzy and still cold, but of course because I also wanted to get some. He comes in, we make out for a while then he gets a condom and we start having sex missionary. Well, one thing I love about him is he's big and strong, so he can flip me around with great ease. So he flips me over to do it from behind, and after a few minutes asks if I want to do anal. This is how I KNOW I was drunk because I said yes. Of course it lasted about 3 seconds and it fuckin hurt so I made him stop, so he got a new condom and we were back at it again.
Next thing I know we wake up at like 8am naked, and not quite sober yet. First thought through my head? "God DAMMMIT!!!!" He goes "So... uh... are you ok? I mean, with this... with what happened?" I told him yeah. He then asks "Really? Or are you like freaking out emotionally?" I totally played it off like I was fine. He jokingly asked "So you want to do it again?" Ummm no. I ask him for some PJ's to put on so he gives me some pants and a t-shirt of his that says "I'm here about the Blowjob." He gets up to make breakfast and I went back to sleep. He woke me up about a half hour later to eat breakfast. We're sitting there and he keeps asking to make sure that I'm ok. I kept telling him yes, I'm fine. So, then he goes "So, are you really thinking about moving back in with your old roommate?" I told him yeah and he goes "She's cute, you should hook me up." Ummm. Ok, what the FUCK did you just say??? Are you kidding? I mean seriously, are you fucking kidding me??? But, I knew I had to keep my cool so I played it off like I didn't care, but still told him no. He kept asking why. Now, I'm not sure if he actually wanted me to hook him up, or if he justs wanted me to admit my feelings for him. But he wasn't going to get either one. So I just kept saying no. Then he asks if I have any friends I would hook him up with. Nope. Would I at least introduce him so he can hook himself up? Nope. How about my sister? Nope. Sister in law? Nuh uh. By that point I know that he was just saying that to get under my skin. So, all morning he kept asking me to hook him up with someone, I would say no, and he would ask why. I just said "Because.".
After breakfast, I took a shower, got ready, and left at about 11am. I had finally sobered up, but I was totally exhausted, dehydrated, and had a slight headache which didn't make for a pleasant 2 hour drive home. On top of all of that I got so depressed, almost as bad as I was when he left when we broke up. What a miserable fuckin day. I had an interview at 1pm, so I got there right on time and just kind of fumbled my way through it. Marine called me during my interview, so I called him when I got out and he just wanted to see if I made it home safe. I told him about my interview, we talked for a few minutes, then I went home.
I got home to my grumpy, dickhead ass brother who made my day that much better. So I decided to just take a nap. I woke up like 3 hours later and went to get some water, and ran into my sister in law in the hall. She tells me that her younger brother (who's 21) and his girlfriend are coming over for dinner. So when I go into the kitchen to get some water, I see 4 place settings. Hmmm, guess I'm not invited to dinner. I was actually kind of glad because I was in the biggest anti-social mood ever, but I thought it was kind of weird that she would do that. So, I got my water and went back to bed. I watched Pearl Harbor, then went back to sleep and slept through the night until about 10am. I woke up in the same mood, just totally bummed. My brother and sister in law came in and put the dog up on my bed to wake me up, she asked if I was feeling better and I told her a little. They had no idea where I was for that 24 hours that I was gone, and never asked. Her brother and his gf spent the night, so she was making breakfast. I got up to get some water, and see (once again) 4 place settings. So, I go back to my room and try to go back to sleep. I couldn't, so I called my younger sister. We talked for a while, then Marine called just to say hi. It was totally casual, he never mentioned anything about the day before.
After we talked I was just laying in bed, and Mama's Boy calls. He could tell I was bummed and asked why, so I told him. I told him that I spent the day with an ex, had sex with him, and realize that the feelings I thought were gone actually aren't and it sucks. He ALWAYS talks to me about his little jailbait girlfriend, and her family... like I give a fuck. But I listen. I don't get jealous, I don't turn it around, I just listen and try to be a friend. Well, he on the other hand freaks out when I tell him anything about another guy and turns it around and makes it into something about me and him, which usually turns into an arguement. So I'm obviously in no mood for his shit, and tell him that it's fuckin bullshit that he does this all the time and told him I've learned my lesson about what I can and can't talk to him about. He got really pissed and said maybe we shouldn't talk at all, ever. I told him that that's perfectly fine with me and hung up on him. Can't say I'll lose any sleep over him. Idiot.
So obviously, the feelings I have for Marine are one-sided. That's what I'm learning to deal with. It's a horrible feeling, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. He wants to be friends, so be it. Even though spending that time with him totally jacked me up, I can't say I regret it because it was SO much fun. We talked and laughed ALL day. I really can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself so much. He's so much fun to be around. Is it really smart for me to try to continue a friendship knowing how much it hurts? Probably not. But he is definitely someone I want in my life, and I'll just have to learn to accept that it has to be as that, a friend.
