Lots of thinking
It's been several days since my last post, I think just because I've had way too much on my mind, too much to even write about. Let's see... I went to this clinic and they confirmed my pregnancy, and scheduled two appointments for me in December. One for prenatal education with a nurse, and my first appointment with the Doctor. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster for the past week. One minute, i'm trying to imagine what color eyes this baby is going to have, and the next I'm crying and wondering if I can be trusted to be responsible for another life. Obviously, if my relationship with Patterson was better this would be easier, but it's just making it 10 times harder. I don't have the romantic feelings for Patterson at all. I'm not in love with him, and really can't ever see myself falling in love with him. Not that he's a bad person, because he's not. He's a great guy, but he's just not for me. Knowing that I'm going to be a single mom is so scary. Not only because it's going to be a HUUUUUUUGE responsibility on my part, and of course it's something I'm willing to commit myself to 110%, but I'm already thinking of custody stuff. Birthdays, holidays, summer vacations... all of that. My sister says I'm putting the cart before the horse, which she's probably right, but these things are really scary for me to think about because my parents didn't divorce until I was 22, so I never experienced the split home thing. I don't know what it's like, how it will effect me, and most importantly how it will effect this child. So that's mostly what I've been thinking about.I told my oldest brother. He freaked out big time at first and lectured me for an hour, but he's calmed down a lot and the on Saturday he already wanted to go look for a crib, and told me to hurry up and have it so he can play with it. haha! I haven't told my dad or my other brother yet, the one that I live with. I think my oldest brother is going to help me with that, thank God!
Patterson has been bugging the crap out of me lately, calling all the time to bug me about moving in with him, wanting me to make all kinds of huge decisions right now, and constantly asking me how I feel about him, and if I miss him. It's really getting on my last fucking nerve. I finally told him I was going back home for a few days to be with family so he would leave me alone. He works a graveyard shift, so he calls me on his break (even after I asked him not to, because it's at like 11pm, 3am, and 7am), and everytime he does as soon as the phone rings and I wake up I have to throw up. He gets mad because I don't answer when he calls, but he only calls at times when I normally sleep. He left me a message the other day all pissed off telling me i need to make up my mind on what I want because I'm not being fair to him. He said that one minute I tell him that he's not there for me enough, and then when he is there for me I don't take his calls. I can see why he thinks that way, but he also doesn't put into consideration that #1 I'm pregnant and sick, i can't eat, can barely sleep, and feel like shit all the time. So when he calls in the middle of the night, when I'm finally asleep and wakes me up only so I can throw up, I'm sorry if I don't want to jump and answer the phone just so he can try to pressure me to tell him I love him and want to move in with him. #2 There's a difference between support and pressure with guilt trips. He calls and tells me (not asks me) all these things we have to do, and how he's getting a condo for us to live in, and he's decided this and that and everything else without even talking to me about any of it first. Then when he calls me to tell me all of these things he's done, he gets hurt and starts fuckin whining when I tell him to stop rushing everything and give me time to think. #3 He gets really hurt and upset when I don't get all mushy with him on the phone. Before all of this happened I had told him I don't trust him, he's not dependable, and that in order to protect myself I've built up a wall around my heart, and he's on the other side of it. So, he thinks that by calling me and talking soft and sweet telling me how much he loves and misses me that everything is fine and I've fallen madly in love with him again. Yeah, um, sorry... it doesn't work that way. Once I close my heart to someone, I lock it and throw away the key. You had your chance and fucked it up. There's no turning back. The unfortunate thing is, he doesn't understand this if I tell him gently. I'll have to tell him something like "I do not love you, and do not want to be with you, now or ever." That's the only way he'll get it through his head. Obviously, I really don't want to do that because it's so harsh, but it may have to come down to that. Well, I guess I should probably shut up now and go back to looking for a job. See ya!
