A teeny tiny ray of light
I think I'm beginning to see a light at the end of this fucked up dark tunnel. It's a teeny, tiny, little ray of light... but it's much more than I've seen for a while. Last week I think I pretty much hit rock bottom mentally. I was ready to blow at any time, and I was really trying my best to hold the lid on. For a long time I was just keeping everything in, everything that happened I just shoved down and pretended it wasn't there, well... the garbage can is only so big, and can only take so much before it over flows and that's exactly what happened. The only problem being I didn't have anywhere to empty it. So, early last week I was at work and in one of my co-workers office. She asked me if I was ok, and I just looked at her. I felt my eyes well up, and my lip start to quiver. I did everything I could to fight it, but couldn't. I burst into tears. You should've seen the shocked look on her face. She got up, handed me a tissue, told me to sit down, and shut her door. I just sat there crying for a few minutes until I managed to get in under control enough to get some words out. She was like "Oh my god Elizabeth, something is seriously wrong isn't it? Is it work?" I told her that there are many, many things wrong right now. And she was still just taken back, she asked if I have anyone I can talk to and I just shook my head. Because I don't. I honestly don't have a single person in my life who I can sit down with and say, look, this is what's going on. I need help. Which is why I'm as fucked up as I am right now. The people I have tried to talk to don't believe me, and so I've given up because I think being told that I'm exagerating, or them blowing it off like it's nothing hurts more than keeping it to myself. And it's definitely more frustrating. So, I talked to her a little bit, just basically about the fact that I do need to get help, I felt a little better. Just having someone acknowledge me felt really good. On Thursday I had an appointment with my ob/gyn and he was asking me a lot of questions about my emotional well being that I had no intention of talking with him about. I ended up crying my eyes out again, and he ended up spending 1 1/2 hours with me talking to me about it. He said that I'm severely depressed, and actually told me "If I was speaking at a Psychiatry seminar about depression, I would have my students call you. You are the poster child for depression." I was like, gee, thanks! He really knows what a girl wants to hear. But, I love that man, he's the best. So, he ended up giving me a referral to get counseling, a prescription for Prozac, and he also gave me all of his phone numbers and said if I ever need help, or someone to talk to at any time of the day or night to call him and he would do anything he could to help me. Like I said, I love this guy. He's really old, and so sweet. He was actually my mom's ob/gyn, and he delivered me and 3 of my brothers & sisters. So he's known me from birth, literally! So, I decided that maybe after being told this by an excellent Dr. that my whole family knows, they might listen to me a little more. So I come home to my sister and tell her what he said she rolled her eyes and blew it off. So I didn't mention it again to her. I was at my mom's house on Friday and told her. Her response was "Good! You definitely need it. Hopefully this will help. Oh! Did I tell you how many hours in overtime I worked this week?" Thanks mom. You would think when you have a family as big as mine I would have SOMEONE in it that I can talk to, someone that isn't so consumed in how much money they make, or about their new puppy, or this weeks football games that they could take a few minutes to say... hey, what's goin on? do you want to talk about something? Whatever, fuck em. Anyway, I found the place I need to call for counseling and I'm going to call tomorrow. I'm also getting my prescription filled tomorrow. I pray to god this is going to help because I'm at the end of my rope. Not like suicidal, but something has got to change for me, I can't live like this anymore.
