This is going to be a better year.
This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year. This is going to be a better year.That's what I said to myself at least 100 times as I watched the ball drop tonight. I was supposed to go out with GQ and Hawaii, but when my sister Serena decided they were going to stay home because my nephew wasn't feeling well, I decided I'd much rather do that. They were supposed to go to a party at one of their friend's house (another one I've had sex with). This guy just got married, has a new house, and a baby on the way. I was invited to go with them, but Fireman had to work and he is their only single friend, so I didn't want to go spend new years with a bunch of couples. GQ and Hawaii were not exactly happy when I cancelled on them, but I didn't really care. I knew if I went with them I would just get too drunk again, get emotional tonight, and be sick on the plane back home tomorrow. No thank you. So they came over for a little bit and hung out, then they went to their party and I stayed home with my 2 brothers, sister, sister in law, niece, and nephew. The boys watched Viva La Bam, and the girls played Clue and UNO. Then I held my niece on my lap and we counted down together as the ball dropped. I was sober, with family, and I think this was probably my best New Year's yet. I just think this stupid holiday is totally overrated. I cried when the ball dropped, I think for a few reasons. Relief that 2004 is over, anxiety about 2005, and of course sadness that I have to leave my sister and the kids tomorrow.
Last night my sister Serena asked if I wanted to go out, so we went to our favorite casino. We don't gamble, we just like to sit in the bar. So the two of us went and had so much fun. We just sat in the bar for like 3-4 hours and talked and laughed until they turned all the lights on and kicked us out. We had a midnight breakfast at the buffet, played the slots for a few minutes then left to go home. Let me back up for a second, at our extended family Christmas party, I had to face my cousin who molested me when I was a little girl (just like every year). So, every year I dread that stupid party, and always take a few days to recover afterwards. Serena mentioned the other day how much this cousin repulses her, and how much she hates him, and how she'll never ever let my niece around him. Well, not a single soul ever knew what he did to me so when she said that I was like wait... she wouldn't just randomly say this shit. Then I put 2 and 2 together and remembered she told me she was molested by an extended family member when she was little. So when she made the comment about my niece I didn't say a word, but it has been eating at me ever since. I've had a constant headache, I have nightmares reliving what happened every night, I've been crying all the time. It's like going through it all over again. But still I didn't say anything. Well, then last night she mentioned him again. Again, she had no way of knowing anything ever happened to me. So I took it as a sign that I needed to talk to her about it. So on the car ride home I told her everything, and just as I thought, she admitted that it was him that molested her as well. Then I told her that he wasn't the last family member that did that to me, that someone in our immediate family had as well. She asked who, but I don't think I'll ever tell her because I don't think she really wants to know. Who would want to know that about their brother who they adore? So, that's a secret I'll take with me to the grave. As soon as I told her everything I got so nauseas and couldn't stop crying, and as soon as we were done talking I threw up for like a half hour. It felt good to actually let this dark, horrible secret out that I've kept since I was 5 years old, but then it scared the crap out of me that now someone else knows, and it's out in the open. Now that she knows, she wants to help, and now I can't bury it deep down where I don't have to think about it anymore. Now I have to deal with it. Oh fuck. She knew that I was raped when I was 17 because she was the only one that sat with me and talked to me after my family found out. My oldest brother went absolutely ballistic and started punching everything in sight, my Dad told me to my face I'm a liar, and my mom pretended it never happened. Serena, however, came in my room while everyone else left me alone, talked to me, and let me cry. Which is exactly what she did last night, again. I told her how since I was 5 years old sex was always used to hurt me, and was something I believed I should be afraid of. I didn't think it was something to share with someone, but that it was something that someone steals from me. I told her about my fear of saying no, because they would do it anyway, and then it would hurt worse. She was in total shock when I told her all of this, but she didn't judge or question me, she didn't force me to say anything I didn't want to say. She was just there for me, she let me talk, and she let me cry. That's something nobody I've considered to be close to me has ever done. My mom will never let me do that. I can't ever go to her with anything like this because she does the crying, then I feel bad that I made her cry, and I have to be strong and comfort her. For example, this last pregnancy. When I told her I had lost the baby, and just wanted my mom to be there, and help me through it... she did all the crying. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't because I had to now be strong for HER and reassure HER that I was ok would have a family one day. Is it me, or is that backwards? So now that I've opened up to Serena, and laid everything out on the table I have to leave and deal with it alone. I'm fucking terrified. When I was talking to her about how it's going living with my brother she got so pissed. I told her I hate living there, but it's so expensive and I haven't found a job that would allow me to afford my own place. I told her I'm really thinking about moving back here and she was thrilled. I said I think I'm just going to save some money so I can get myself and my stuff back here and into an apartment. She told me not to even wait that long, that all I need to do is bring myself, my car, and the few things that I would need right now and to move in with her, free... of charge, pressure, and guilt. She was so pissed when she found out how my brother was treating me and said that when you offer to help family, it's not so you can get something in return, or so you can make them feel guilty or like they owe you something. I knew in the back of my mind my brother would be like this, but I just kind of ignored it and did it anyway. My sister and brother (in law), on the other hand, are genuine when they offer help. So I'm very seriously considering taking her up on her offer. Well, this post was A LOT more difficult to write than I expected so I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. It's 1:45am and I have to be at the airport in 7 hours. I haven't even packed yet.
This is going to be a better year.
