Saturday, December 04, 2004

Long time no blog

I've been wanting to blog pretty much every day since my last entry, but just didn't really know what to say. I still don't really know what to say, but I figured I needed to say something so I don't end up like TJ. I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't really want to talk about it much further, but, obviously that's why I haven't really been around. These past 4 months or so have been so hard, and it's left me in such a weird place. Right now I'm definitely at an all time low. No job, running out of money, living with my brother, just officially broke up with Patterson, loss of two pregnancies... I really have NO idea what to do with myself. I've been so depressed lately, I've lost all self esteem, can't eat, can't sleep, don't give a shit about my appearance, totally keep to myself, and I don't know if it's the stress or just not taking care of myself but I feel like crap all the time. I've made such a mess, and I don't know how to begin to clean it up. Every day I think about just saying fuck it and moving back home to New Mexico. My sisters are there, both of my parents are there (even though they're both psycho), the cost of living is way less... but at the same time there's a little voice in the back of my head telling me how much I'll regret giving up when I worked my ass off to get out here in the first place. But I'm not me anymore, this isn't me... I'm usually happy, I love getting dressed up and going out, I love doing my hair, and wearing make up, I love going out with friends, I'm a total go-getter, I'm responsible, and reliable, I exercise, I read, I love meeting new people, I love flirting, and first dates... and now, I sleep, I watch TV, I clean, and I cry. I treat this as my personal journal, and write as if nobody but me will ever read it because that's the purpose it serves for me. Just a way to get my thoughts out, so I can come back and read them and try to work through my issues on my own. I don't want anyone that reads this to take it as a sob story, that I'm trying to get attention, want pity, or want anyone to feel sorry for me... I DON'T want that. Not at all. I'm at rock bottom, so I know the only way to go from here is up... I just don't know how to start going. I think my trip home for Christmas is going to do me a lot of good, and hopefully help me make a decision.

posted by EIizabeth @ 11:54 PM 4 Comments