The talk
So, I'm at my brother's house in San Jose, lying in bed and can't sleep because this thing with Patterson is really bothering me. I haven't said much about this on here, but he's pretty much my part time boyfriend. When he's here, it's great. He treats me better than I could ever dream of being treated, he's so sweet, caring, patient, understanding, thoughtful... such a gentleman. So much, that I do feel like I'm falling in love with him. BUT... when he goes home (about an hour and a half away), it's like I barely exist. He lives with his extended family, and whenever he goes home all he does is play this stupid god damn game called Everquest with his uncle and cousin. Seriously, that's ALL he does. He even admits it. When he's there, playing the game, he never calls me, and the rare times that he does call he says "Hey babe, I just wanted to call real quick to say I'm thinking of you, but I have to help my uncle with the game, so I have to go. I'll call you later" Then he doesn't call. His phone got shut off on the last day he was staying with me, so he had to pay the bill to get it back on. While it was off, I didn't get an e-mail, IM, phone call from someone else's phone, nothing. We went 3 days without speaking since he left. 3 days! I came to San Jose yesterday and this morning he calls me like everything's just peachy. I was like wow, I'm surprised you remembered my number. He was like what are you talking about??? Ummm hello, you haven't acknowledged my existence in any way in 3 fuckin days. He was like, you know my phone was off. I told him I thought it was over, or that he found someone else (which I am 110% sure he didn't, because he's too busy having an affair with Everquest), he was like you've gotta be kidding me! I was just trying to get the point across that this isn't what a relationship is, this outta sight, outta mind thing isn't gonna fly with me. A couple of minutes later he had to go because his uncle was ready to help him move his stuff to storage so he said he'd call me back. I already knew better than to expect his call. So at like 2pm, I was at Fleet Week in the city, and decided to call to say hi. Much to my surprise (not), he was drinking and playing Everquest. He spent more time during our call talking to his Uncle about the game than he did me, and finally said "I have to go so I can help my Uncle get through this part. I'll call you back." Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Did he? Of course he didn't. So, here I am, lying here, can't sleep over this bullshit. Which leads me to my decision. Tomorrow I'm calling him to tell him this part-time boyfriend bullshit he's trying to pull doesn't work for me. He's either in it, or he's not. I'm not going to sit here and fuckin wait around for him to call for the 1, 2, 3 weeks at a time that I don't see him. I mean, I don't want to break it off with him, because when we are together, he's awesome. But I'm also not going to be in a half ass relationship. The reason I didn't commit to him when he originally asked me to was because I thought he was going to put 110% into the relationship, and at that point I didn't feel I could put that much into it, and it wouldn't be fair to him to be half ass. So I waited until I felt like I was ready to put all my effort into it before I said yes. Low and behold, he's the half ass. So, I'll tell him how I feel tomorrow and let him make the decision. If he makes the decision to stay with me, great, but I'll need to see action and not just the talk he's been doing. I have way too much stress as it is without this. I don't trust anyone. No one. I've been fucked way too many times to believe anything anyone says. But I've started to let my wall come down a little bit with him. For some reason, I've already opened up to him more than any boyfriend I've had, because I feel so comfortable with him. I'm not sure why, but I do. I hope this isn't just another lesson learned for me. I hope he is the person I believe he is, and he turns this around. If not, of course, I'll be fine. But it's getting harder and harder to really believe there are any good guys left out there. Anyway... I'll update you tomorrow.
Oh, before I go, do you KNOW how many hot men in uniform were at Fleet Week today? I mean seriously. Holy fuck! Sailors, Army, Marines, Airforce... all in uniform. My chin was dragging along the pier all day. That should make for some VERY nice dreams tonight. Buenos noches!
51-75
51. I currently have 3 jobs
52. I hate all of them
53. My first job was at a book/music/video/software store
54. I was a horrible cashier
55. I worked for a year on the surgical unit at a hospital
56. I was a nursing assistant
57. I loved it
58. That has been the only job I've loved so far
59. I want to get into Social Work
60. I want to help kids
61. I want to have a bunch of kids of my own
62. Hopefully 3 or 4
63. I loved having a big family
64. I was a total tomboy growing up
65. I was jealous that my brothers could pee outside in the bushes
66. When I was 4, I was determined to pee standing up like them
67. I made lots of messes
68. My mom had to teach me "how girls pee"
69. My brothers used to beat the crap out of me
70. I can definitely hold my own in a fight now
71. I'm still a tomboy deep down
72. I'm 5'3
73. I have big blue eyes
74. People always ask if I wear contacts
75. I don't
Goodnight
I got on here with the intention of continuing my list, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I had a migraine earlier, so I took some Vicodin. It's a little hard to produce a quality post from the cloud I'm on right now ; ) So, I'm here to say goodnight. And it is a very good night. haha! Buenos noches!
26-50
26. I got my first boyfriend in the 5th grade (He is the one I refer to as First in my posts)
27. My first kiss was at a party during my Freshman year of High school
28. My crush asked me if I would kiss his friend (The crush I'm referring to is also
First)
29
. First and I had sex the summer after our senior year
30. I was his first
31. I lost my virginity when I was 14
32. It was with my best friend's 16 year old brother
33. This was after drinking and smoking weed all night at a Fugee's concert
34. It didn't hurt, he was really small.
35. Sex didn't hurt until I did it with
Cop when I was 17
36. He is huge, I cried.
37. I remember crying 2 other times during sex
38. Once when my ex forced me to have sex 2 days after I had surgery on my cervix
39. I wasn't supposed to have sex for 4-6 weeks after the surgery
40. I was 19, he was 29
41. That wasn't my first or last forced sexual experience
42. I was raped by a stranger when I was 18
43. I was also molested by 2 different members of my family from ages 8-16
44. They didn't know about eachother
45. Because of these experiences, I'm afraid to say no
46. The only people I've ever told about this was
Cop, and
Patterson
47. The other time I cried was when my ex "slipped" during sex, and we did anal
48. The only other person I've done anal with is
Patterson
49. He asked first, and was extremely gentle
50. I did it to show him I trust him, and would do it again.
1-25
Since I have nothing exciting to post, I decided to follow the trend and start my "100 Things About Me" list... so here goes 1-25
1. I'm 24
2. I'm Mexican/white
3. I was born on my brother’s 4th birthday
4. I have 3 older brothers (one is a brother in law that I consider a real brother)
5. I have 2 sisters, one older one younger, and a sister in law
6. I have one niece and one nephew
7. My parents were married for 35 years
8. My mom left my dad for another man a week before their 35th anniversary
9. My dad still isn’t over it
10. The other man is 20 years younger (my sister’s age)
11. I hate him.
12. They live together now, but my mom needs “space", so she’s getting her own place
13. I’m originally from New Mexico
14. I live in Sacramento now
15. My apartment is in the ghetto
16. Cops have pulled me over on my street to ask if I was lost, more than once.
17. Someone tried to kick my door in at 2am one night
18. I keep my best friend’s gun with me for safety
19. I’m moving to San Jose in a few weeks
20. I have to give the gun back when I move
21. I have a tattoo of a fairy on my lower back
22. I have my belly button pierced
23. I have my nose pierced with a tiny diamond stud
24. I recently went from blonde to brunette for the first time
25. My family hates it
Interesting Day
Today was kind of a big day for me, I put in my notice at both of my jobs, and found a roommate for when I move to San Jose at the end of the month. I hadn't planned on any of that happening today, but it just did. I put in my notice kind of spur of the moment, and my brother called me and told me he works with this girl,
Daisy, who's my age who just bought a house, and needs a roommate. That would be perfect for me, I mean, I don't really want a roommate... but it will be a great situation. She's my age, so we can go out, it's a house, not an apartment, in a good neighborhood, for a very reasonable cost, AND both of my brothers will be less than 10 minutes away which will be awesome. When I don't feel like cooking, guess where I'll be ; ) Anyway... everything is slowly falling into place. Patterson went back home today. We want to go to Fleet Week in San Francisco this weekend, but his car is acting up so I'm not sure if we'll be able to. I want to so bad! All those men in uniform! Whew! That's about it for the day, pretty boring.
I want to thank all of you again for all the kind words, and advice you've given me. I really appreciate it. Jaime, MN, and Opaco... your girlfriends are all extremely lucky to have such gentlemen like you. I sure hope they appreciate you! Miss P, unfortunately you pretty much hit the bullseye with your last comment. It's so much easier to give advice than take it. It's so hard to tell when you're doing the right thing, but I guess what's meant to be is going to happen so I just go with my gut and see where I end up. Anyway, thank you guys again. You all rock!
Advice from First
I am not taking Patterson's side at all in this, I mean it is pretty messed up on him, however that is a hard pill to swallow for a guy. I mean I know its hard for a woman actually probably 100 times harder for a woman and I am in no position to say how a woman feels, however I have been in that situation and I will tell you its hard. Its hard for us guys, we aren't use to this many emotions. guys (well most guys) don't get emotions, we use emotions to get stuff. we are taught differently than girls when it comes to emotions. guys just aren't suppose to get emotional. however when a situation like this happens every single emotion possible that you can have we get in a matter for seconds and it feels like its forever. you sad, your confused, your mad, you want to cry, you want to celebrate, you want to smile, you want to punch someone, you want to curse god, you want to thank god I mean all of these emotions back to back fast. so when people call or tell someone we don't think rational. cause we are so confused. again not backing up Patterson at all, but I do understand. You don't know how to react and your first reaction is just one of the emotions you are going through. it takes a few seconds for reality to actually sink in.
Update
I'm sorry for not posting for so long! You guys are so awesome, thank you for your concern. On Wednesday I went to the Dr. and got a blood test to see if I was pregnant. They told me it would be a day or 2 before I could get the results. I went back to work, and late in the afternoon started getting cramps. They started out pretty normal, but by the time I got home all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and cry. I took Advil, but it didn't touch the pain. Then I started having really bad bleeding with clots. Which is a very bad sign. Patterson called and I told him what was going on so he told me to call the Dr and call him back, he also said he would drive down that night to be with me. So I called the Dr, crying my eyes out, and the answering service said they'd page him. I waited like 15 minutes and he wasn't calling back so I called my mom, she said to call 911 and have an ambulance take me to the ER since I couldn't drive, and didn't have anyone close to drive me. I did, they came and I'm curled up on the couch still crying. My vitals were all jacked up, my blood pressure was 180/114 (i normally run 90/60), my oxygen level was at 76% (you're never supposed to be below 90%), and my pulse was 114. So they gave me some oxygen put me in the ambulance and we were on our way. While in the ambulance, my piece of shit, asshole, quack of a doctor called back. I told him too late I'm on my way to the ER, he asked what happened so I told him and he goes "Yeah, you're losing the baby. Go ahead and go to the ER." My crying had subsided a bit, but when he said that I lost it and hung up on him. How fuckin insensitive can you be? I wish I could take his fuckin knees out. Anyway, we get to the ER, they wheel me in, and they're really packed, there were people everywhere. The nurse tells the paramedic "She's gonna have to go through triage, we have a full house tonight." Tell me the paramedic did not wheel me out to the waiting room and leave me there! I was like oh hell no! They gave me a clip board to start filling out the forms. After I was done, I called Patterson. I told him what happened and he responds by saying he can't come because he has a really important appointment in the morning. I was PISSED! No, not just PISSED, but FUCKING PISSED! I was like, fine, i have to go. He had the nerve to ask if I was mad. I was like yes I'm mad, I'm in the ER, BY MYSELF, might be having a miscarriage with your baby, and you can't come because you have an appointment in the morning??? Jump in a cab and take it straight to hell! So, to make him jealous, I told him I was going to call Cop to be with me. It worked ; ) But, he still did nothing about it. He was like, ok, well call me back (in his sad ass voice). So I called Cop, and he was like oh my god! Are you ok??? What can I do??? He lives like an hour and a half away now, so he called his mom to come sit with me because it would be a lot quicker for her to come than him. I love his mom to death, so I felt really good knowing she was coming. Once she got there I turned my phone off, mostly because I didn't want to hear from Patterson, and I wanted him to worry. Then maybe he would get his god damn priorities straight. So they did blood work, and an ultrasound, and confirmed that I did have a miscarriage. I was there from 7pm-2am, then Cop's mom said she's not letting me stay alone at my apartment so she took me back to her house with her and I stayed the night there. The next day Cop came to pick me up and take me home. It was so good to see him again! When I finally checked my voicemail, there was 3 from people at work saying they're worried and to call, 3 from Patterson saying he's worried, how sorry he is, and basically kissing my ass, and one from my sister saying "what's going on??? I called your work and they said they're worried about you, that you left a message from the ER at 1:30am, and haven't heard from you since. What happened? Are you ok? Where are you?? Call me or I'm sending your brothers out there!" I was like oh shit, so I called her first. Then I called my work, and THEN Patterson. I made sure to ask him how his "important appointment" was, and he said he didn't go because he was worried, and trying to get a hold of me. He said he wanted to come be with me, but had no idea where I was. Wonk wonk wonk, whatever. That was Thursday evening. First thing Friday morning he shows up at my apartment, and said he would stay as long as I needed him to. All weekend he waited on me hand and foot, it was definitely very nice. He's still here now, and coming to pick me up for lunch in about an hour. Overall it was a good weekend, and he's made it up to me quite nicely. Now I'm at work, totally behind, and un-motivated (is that a word?). Sorry for making you guys worry. It was rough, but I'm gettin through it, and going to be just fine.
