Sex... love... uh oh's

Moving Day

Well, it's moving day. Last night my brother and sister in law helped me with a few last minute things I needed to get done then took me to dinner at this coffee shop that I love, he even paid! Then we came home, watched American Idol and West Wing and went to bed. This morning my brother woke me up to say the G word, he gave me a big hug then had to leave because he was running late for work. That's exactly how I wanted it to happen. I was just waking up so my emotions were awake enough yet to cry, it wasn't until a few minutes after he left that I cried. My mom tried to give me a pep talk about how wonderful it's going to be, and that I should be happy and excited. Little does she know half of the anxiety I'm having about moving has to do with her. Anyway, I just have to shower and load up the car this morning then we'll be out of here around noon or 1:00. I'll post again as soon as I get my computer up and running at my sister's house. It may not be for a few days, seeing as how I plan on being pretty intoxicated for the entire weekend. Well, I better get crackin before my brother starts freaking out. Hasta!

posted by EIizabeth @ 9:27 AM 0 Comments

Last Day

The birthday dinner that I had last night with my brothers and their girlfriend and wife went pretty well. It’s just weird around my brothers now. Ever since they got with their significant others they’ve changed and we just don’t have anything in common anymore. So, the night felt more like a couple’s dinner party for them than a birthday dinner for me. But whatever, it was nice of them. Jeff and his wife gave me a GC to a spa in NM, and Paul and his girlfriend gave me a purse and some lotions. Today at work they surprised me with a breakfast pot luck and some gifts since it’s my last day here. I didn’t expect it at all, so it was a really cool surprise. The guy that works downstairs (the one that posed in Playgirl) took me out to lunch, which was a total surprise. I hardly ever talk to him and didn’t even think he knew I was leaving. When I walked in this morning he was at the front desk and was like “Hey! When’s your last day?” I told him today and he’s like “Shut up! Why didn’t you tell me?” I was thinking ummm because we never talk. But told him “Because I haven’t seen him around in a while” which was a lie. So he asked if he could take me to lunch. It was really cool, he is so much funnier than I thought. I wish I would’ve gotten to know him earlier! Guys have really freakin great timing! I could’ve been getting married and staying here now! haha! Just kidding!!! Anyway, tonight I have to pack and get ready to leave tomorrow morning. Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!!!

posted by EIizabeth @ 2:58 PM 0 Comments

Last night

Last night Cop and his little ones came over, it was so fun! I can’t believe how big they’re getting! The older one, who will be four at the end of the month, is SO funny! He remembers everything. At our old apartment, when Cop and I used to live together, I had these big foam bats that his 3 year old and I would play with. I would always get one and say “C’mon sucka!” Then he would get one and we would play with them. So, that’s the first thing he said to me when he got out of the car. He goes “C’mon sucka! Heyyyyy… where da big bats???” Then my brother told him I have a gameboy so he kept asking to play my “boy-game” it was cute. The baby is just freakin adorable. He’s walking now so he took a few good spills, but hardly cried at all. He just walked around all night saying “dada” a million times. It was so sad when they left, the older one kept saying “I come back to play wif your boy-game, k ‘lizabet?” The way he talks is SO cute! Cop hugged me for like 10 minutes and just kept telling me that he’s proud of me for making this decision and how important school is. He told me I better not get sidetracked because he wants to see me back here in a few years with a degree, which is exactly my plan. So, that was that. He hugged me until I stopped crying, then he left and I cried some more. Tonight is my birthday dinner with my brothers. I wish I was more excited for it, I’m just bummed.

posted by EIizabeth @ 9:33 AM 1 Comments

Long time no blog

Hello blog world! Long time no see! I know I know, it's my fault. Can you find it in ya hawt to fa'give me? To be quite honest, I was doing what I do best. Living in denial. I'm moving to Nuevo Mexico in 4 days and, well, let's just say I'm not excited about it. I hate that I have nightmares and wake up crying every night, and my eyes are swollen every morning. I hate that I can't find anything positive about living there again. And I especially hate that all my friends have been calling me to go out so they can say the G word. First of all, I'm not dying you fuckers. Say goodbye at my funeral, not now! Talk about depressing.

Anyway, so last weekend I drove up to see the newlyweds which was awesome. They are so fun. The three of us hung out all afternoon on Saturday then Marine got off of work and came over. They asked me what I wanted to do so I said I wanted to go to San Francisco for dinner, so we went to Bubba Gump's at Pier 39. We had a great dinner then went back to their house to watch a movie. By the time the movie was over it was really late so Marine just decided to stay the night. How convenient. Well, since there was no drinking involved that night, he wasn't gettin any. The newlyweds went up to bed and I was saying goodnight to Marine, since he was going to sleep on the couch and I was going to the guest room. Then he asked if we could talk for a minute. I totally thought he was going to try to get some, so I was a little suspicious. Then he started telling me how he fucked up and wants to be with me, and he knows it's bad timing but is hoping I would reconsider my move and give him another chance. I was like, are you fucking kidding me??? Seriously, are you joking? You wait like 9 months to tell me you made a mistake breaking up with me, and ask me not to leave 2 weeks before I'm supposed to move??? And up until about a month ago you told me I was like a sister to you! I was so pissed. I am an emotional, and nervous wreck about moving. He knows that, he knows how hard it was for me to make this decision and how long it took me to make it. He knows that I'm committed to this decision now, and how my family is counting on it. He knows my reason for going is to go to school. Yet, he still pulls this bullshit and asks me to stay and give HIM another chance. How the fuck am I supposed to stay? I clearly can't stay with my brother anymore, I've put all my money into this move, and they already found a replacement for me at my job. So he wants me to sacrifice everything, and stay here with nothing just to give him another chance. I wanted to say all of this when he asked me that night, but I was in shock, and so I just stayed completely quiet until I started crying. The only words I managed to get out was, "you have really bad timing." He hugged me and the next thing I knew, we woke up the next morning on the couch. No, we didn't have sex. We didn't even kiss. He just held me until I stopped crying and fell asleep. The next morning I woke up when he kissed me on the forehead. He apologized for doing what he did, but said he didn't want to have any regrets later. He said he took me for granted the last 9 months and figured he could take his time deciding if he wanted to be with me or not, until he realized I was really leaving. Then he got scared that he was going to lose me forever. I told him, obviously, I can't stay. He said he understood and that what's meant to happen will happen. We got up and had breakfast with the newlyweds, then I left and hung out with my old roommate for a little while. That's a whole 'nother story that I'll tell some other time. It was very good to see her though.

So, yesterday (Saturday) I got up and my siser in law asked what I wanted to do. Since it was my last weekend here her and my brother wanted to take me out for the day, so we went to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. It was so much fun. We went to the beach for a little bit, then road a bunch of rides on the boardwalk.

Today my other brother and his girlfriend came over for a little bit just to hang out and my sister in law and brother's girlfriend planned a farewell/birthday dinner for me for this Tuesday. My birthday isn't until April 26th, but they wanted to be able to celebrate with me. It's actually my brother Jeff's birthday too on the exact same day, so it's for both of us.

Cop is coming over tomorrow to hang out. I yelled at him when he said he wanted to see me to say the G word. I told him he wasn't getting off the hook that easy, I'll be back before he knows it. So, he's coming over tomorrow. He lives like 3 hours away, so the fact that he's driving all the way up here to spend a few hours with me and drive all the way back home the same night, I thought was pretty nice. He called me the other day to tell me he found "our song". It's Hold You Down by Jennifer Lopez and Fat Joe. He said when he heard it he thought about me, and first day we met 9 years ago, and everything we've been through up to now. He said it made him cry because nobody has ever been there for him, been so supportive, understanding, and loving with him through everything... good and bad. Not even his mom. He said he knows he's taken me for granted but that without a doubt I'm the most important and valuable person in his life, besides his sons of course. So, of course, that made me cry.

I'm so sick of this shit. of people telling me how they feel just because i'm moving, all these emotional goodbyes. I'm so fuckin tired of crying, I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of worrying, being stressed, and the feeling of dread for moving day. I'm tired of my heart sinking every time I think about leaving. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of already regretting my decision. There is not one piece of me that feels good about it. Not one. It feels like I'm dying inside, like I've sealed my fate of misery. I know it's dramatic, and that I'll get there and life will go on, I'll do what I need to do and of course I'll get through it. But I'm so fucking scared of being as miserable again as I was before I moved here. I clawed my way out of New Mexico for a new, better life. I got it, and now I'm going back. Fuckin genius. Is school really that important? I just hope it's worth it, and that I'm making the right decision. Because right now, every piece of my heart and soul is telling me I'm not.

posted by EIizabeth @ 11:20 PM 1 Comments