Sex... love... uh oh's

Puppy sitting & Netflix

It's Saturday night and I'm home puppy-sitting. My life has gotten so exciting, I can't even keep up with myself. (yawn) I spent the past few days with my oldest brother at his house. I thought it going to be totally relaxing, and that I wouldn't have to think about anything... boy was I wrong. I felt like I was at a boot camp with Dr. Phil. He can read me like a book, unfortunately, and knows exactly what's going on in my head. On Thursday as soon as he got home from work he just started in on me, and didn't hold anything back. He was telling me he knows I'm depressed and he knows exactly how I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking. The weird part is that he was right. It felt like he was grabbing the thoughts right out of my head and vocalizing them. He talked about a lot of things that I wasn't ready to deal with, that I've shoved down deep to avoid them. I didn't have much choice but to deal with them once he started. The bad thing is, I kind of feel worse now. We talked... actually, he talked and I cried for hours. I know he had good intentions, but the bad part is that he dug up all this shit for me to deal with and left me with it because that's all he really knew how to do. Now I have all these problems and emotions that I've been burying right in front of my face and I don't have a clue what to do with them. All I know how to do is bury things so I don't have to deal with them, and even though I know that's the worst thing I can do, that's all I know how to do. He talked about a lot of stuff that happened with my parents, my ex boyfriends, my self esteem, deaths in the family, pretty much everything that has ever happened in my life that has been too difficult for me to handle at that time. He knows I never dealed with them and said I will not get better until I do, however, I really don't think his method was the best way to go about that. He also said that depression runs in our family. My Grandma was clinically depressed, my dad was, my brother is, and he says I am. He thinks I need medication, just short term, just to get me through all this stuff that's going on right now. I've done that before though. I was working for my Dr. at the time and went to him one day in tears telling him I don't think I can go on anymore. We talked for a long time and he put me on anti-depressants for like 3 months to get me through my parents divorce, my break up with Mama's Boy, and all the other problems I was having at the time. I just hated the fact that I was on anti-depressants at all, so I stopped taking them after a few weeks. It's ever since then that I've battled with it off and on. I feel pretty good tonight. I'm home alone with the puppy, so I got some Netflix movies (Envy, and The Gift), and I'm going to build a fire get a blanket and pillow and watch movies until I fall asleep. I talked to Mama's Boy for a while today, nothing deep... just small talk and joking around. I'd kind of like to spend New Year's Eve with him. It's either that or go out and possibly end up like last year, which I don't really feel up for this year. I'm totally superstitious about New Year's, and believe that the way you spend it will reflect how the upcoming year is going to be. So, I think I should try something new this year. Anyway, I just thought I'd stop in and let some of this stuff out.

posted by EIizabeth @ 8:40 PM 2 Comments

Mama's Boy

I was with Mama's boy from age 20-22, he's only like 6 months older than me and has a daughter that he has full custody of. Everything was perfect in the "honeymoon phase", we were inseparable, he was so thoughtful and romantic. Then he got too comfortable and about a year into the relationship it started going downhill. He became more distant and I became more insecure. He had quite a few female friends that he talked about all the time, he wouldn't ever let me meet them, and he would never talk to them around me. I was sure he was cheating on me so I always had to know where he was, and who he was with, and I was with him every possible chance I got. I also wanted to make sure he knew he didn't have to go else where for what he could get with me, so I initiated sex ALL THE TIME. Not because I necessarily wanted it all the time (of course I wasn't complaining), but because I didn't want him to have to get it anywhere else. In the last year we were together we broke up and got back together like 4 times I think. Then I finally decided that I was just making myself crazy by staying with him, so I broke up with him for the final time. About a week later he found himself a 17 year old girlfriend. A few weeks after that is when I moved out here, then... one day out of the blue he called me. I had all brand new numbers and everything when I moved out here, so you can imagine my surprise. He said that he realized what a mistake he made treating me the way he did and wanted to see if there was any chance I would take him back, so he went to the place I worked before I left to tell me this, but instead my old co-worker told him that I had moved to California. This was something I had always told him I wanted to do, but he always thought it was a threat and never took me seriously, so he couldn't believe it. So, for the last 2 years he's been begging me to get back with him. It turns out that the 17 year old girlfriend he had did the same number on him that he did on me. So he finally felt everything I had been telling him he made me feel. However, when I came here I regained the self esteem I had lost when I was with him so I had no problem telling him that I'm not sacrificing everything I worked so hard for out here just to go take a chance again with him. I told him if he wanted to be with me, I had no problem giving him another chance... if he moved out here. He said he couldn't because of his daughter. The first several times I visited home, I would see him, we'd talk for a while and we'd always end up having sex. Then I would come back home, and he would call me and ask me again to consider being with him, and I would tell him again to move out here. The last time we had sex, or even saw eachother was a year ago. He's grown up a lot. He has his own place, he's working, he's going back to school, and coaching a high school basketball team. His whole attitude has changed in every aspect, and now we've both decided that if it's meant to be it will happen and just kind of left it at that.

posted by EIizabeth @ 10:06 AM 4 Comments

Quality Time

Today I decided that I am not going to let this negative crap control my life, so I got up early, took a shower, ate a healthy breakfast, did some pilates (ouch!), and took the dog for a walk. After that I came home to look for a job, then my oldest brother called and said he was on his way to pick me up to get me out of the house for a while, which I definitely appreciated. We went to a few antique stores, which I had never really done, but he taught me a lot about all that stuff, so it was cool. Then we went to lunch and sat and talked for almost two hours. It was really nice. He's a lot different than the brother I live with, he's really supportive and understanding and never critical or negative. Right now he's really trying to help me feel better about my life and the direction it's going, whereas all i hear from my other brother is "Do you have a job yet? Get a job! Did you get a job today?" I could understand him acting this way if I was totally mooching off of him, but I'm not. I pay for everything for myself, and do all the fuckin chores around his house, including taking care of his dog, and running their errands. So, spending the day with my other brother was definitely a breath of fresh air. I'm doing to spend Thursday and Friday night with him, so I'm excited to get away for a couple days.

I've been talking to Mama's Boy quite a bit lately, and his mom even e-mailed me. I haven't talked to her in almost 3 years so that was really weird. He's really gotten his sh!t together, and seems like he's changed for the better. I know he'll want to see me when I go home for Christmas, but I'm kind of nervous about where that will lead. I was with him for 2 years, and he's the only man that has ever truly had my heart. He still does have a piece of it, and I think he always will. That's why I'm nervous to see him again. I managed to avoid him completely on my last trip, but we've been talking pretty much every day now and I don't know if I can do it again. We'll see I guess.

posted by EIizabeth @ 10:04 PM 1 Comments

Holidays

Today was just another day I guess. I got up early and went with my brother and sister in law to the San Jose Christmas Parade. It was a lot of fun. I love doing stuff like that, cheesy parades, and other events around the holidays. With all the stress about money, traveling, and family issues around the holidays it's the cheesy events like that that keep me in the spirit. I've been thinking about extending my trip home from a few days to a week or so. I think the extra time with my sister, niece, and nephew will do me a lot of good right now. I'm always so happy when I'm around them, and there's stuff that I'd really like to finally get off my chest, and talk to my sister about. Well, I guess that's it for now... I should get to bed. Thank you all for your kind words, and support... it helps more than you know. = )

posted by EIizabeth @ 11:57 PM 2 Comments