Sex... love... uh oh's

Puppy sitting & Netflix

It's Saturday night and I'm home puppy-sitting. My life has gotten so exciting, I can't even keep up with myself. (yawn) I spent the past few days with my oldest brother at his house. I thought it going to be totally relaxing, and that I wouldn't have to think about anything... boy was I wrong. I felt like I was at a boot camp with Dr. Phil. He can read me like a book, unfortunately, and knows exactly what's going on in my head. On Thursday as soon as he got home from work he just started in on me, and didn't hold anything back. He was telling me he knows I'm depressed and he knows exactly how I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking. The weird part is that he was right. It felt like he was grabbing the thoughts right out of my head and vocalizing them. He talked about a lot of things that I wasn't ready to deal with, that I've shoved down deep to avoid them. I didn't have much choice but to deal with them once he started. The bad thing is, I kind of feel worse now. We talked... actually, he talked and I cried for hours. I know he had good intentions, but the bad part is that he dug up all this shit for me to deal with and left me with it because that's all he really knew how to do. Now I have all these problems and emotions that I've been burying right in front of my face and I don't have a clue what to do with them. All I know how to do is bury things so I don't have to deal with them, and even though I know that's the worst thing I can do, that's all I know how to do. He talked about a lot of stuff that happened with my parents, my ex boyfriends, my self esteem, deaths in the family, pretty much everything that has ever happened in my life that has been too difficult for me to handle at that time. He knows I never dealed with them and said I will not get better until I do, however, I really don't think his method was the best way to go about that. He also said that depression runs in our family. My Grandma was clinically depressed, my dad was, my brother is, and he says I am. He thinks I need medication, just short term, just to get me through all this stuff that's going on right now. I've done that before though. I was working for my Dr. at the time and went to him one day in tears telling him I don't think I can go on anymore. We talked for a long time and he put me on anti-depressants for like 3 months to get me through my parents divorce, my break up with Mama's Boy, and all the other problems I was having at the time. I just hated the fact that I was on anti-depressants at all, so I stopped taking them after a few weeks. It's ever since then that I've battled with it off and on. I feel pretty good tonight. I'm home alone with the puppy, so I got some Netflix movies (Envy, and The Gift), and I'm going to build a fire get a blanket and pillow and watch movies until I fall asleep. I talked to Mama's Boy for a while today, nothing deep... just small talk and joking around. I'd kind of like to spend New Year's Eve with him. It's either that or go out and possibly end up like last year, which I don't really feel up for this year. I'm totally superstitious about New Year's, and believe that the way you spend it will reflect how the upcoming year is going to be. So, I think I should try something new this year. Anyway, I just thought I'd stop in and let some of this stuff out.

posted by EIizabeth @ 8:40 PM