Saturday, September 24, 2005

When...?

When is something going to go right? When is everything going to get better, and be OK? Like everyone keeps promising. It's one thing after another, after another, after another. I really don't know how much of this a person can take. I dont know what else to say.

posted by EIizabeth @ 10:54 PM 1 Comments

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Loss for words

I want to post about something but I honestly don't even know where to begin, and if I say everything I want to say about it it will take weeks to write and days to read. It's basically about the events this weekend and my feelings towards my mom. I love her, obviously, she's my mom. She's gave birth to me, and raised me. But, at the same time, I can not stand that woman. I have so many negative feelings toward her right now, and (again) at the same time I feel guilty about having these feelings (like it's my fault, or like I'm a bad person for feeling this way about my own mother). I want to love her and be close to her, and spend time with her and trust her. And I can't do any of these things, and when I try to, I feel like I'm being a traitor to the rest of my family that can't stand her either because of all the things she's said and done. I just want the mom I knew when I was 5 years old. The beautiful, radiant woman who I admired and looked up to so much. The woman who hugged me, and loved me, and took such good care of me. The one I ran to with a skinned knee and she would make it all better with a kiss, or she would sing me to sleep at night with a lullaby and take away every fear I had in the world. Now, I'm afraid to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She uses people, she's fake, she lies, she's coniving, and she's two-faced. And, just like always, I was just about to erase everything I just said about her because I feel bad about saying it, but it's the truth. I hate it, I fucking hate that I say those things about my mom and that they're true, and that I'm the one that feels guilty for it. I need to get some sleep.

posted by EIizabeth @ 8:15 PM 2 Comments