Loss for words
I want to post about something but I honestly don't even know where to begin, and if I say everything I want to say about it it will take weeks to write and days to read. It's basically about the events this weekend and my feelings towards my mom. I love her, obviously, she's my mom. She's gave birth to me, and raised me. But, at the same time, I can not stand that woman. I have so many negative feelings toward her right now, and (again) at the same time I feel guilty about having these feelings (like it's my fault, or like I'm a bad person for feeling this way about my own mother). I want to love her and be close to her, and spend time with her and trust her. And I can't do any of these things, and when I try to, I feel like I'm being a traitor to the rest of my family that can't stand her either because of all the things she's said and done. I just want the mom I knew when I was 5 years old. The beautiful, radiant woman who I admired and looked up to so much. The woman who hugged me, and loved me, and took such good care of me. The one I ran to with a skinned knee and she would make it all better with a kiss, or she would sing me to sleep at night with a lullaby and take away every fear I had in the world. Now, I'm afraid to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She uses people, she's fake, she lies, she's coniving, and she's two-faced. And, just like always, I was just about to erase everything I just said about her because I feel bad about saying it, but it's the truth. I hate it, I fucking hate that I say those things about my mom and that they're true, and that I'm the one that feels guilty for it. I need to get some sleep.
2 Comments:
Hang in there Kiddo.
I wish I could give better words.
Come one over and laugh a bit.
Believe me, I know how you feel. Hang in there.
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