Sex... love... uh oh's

I f*cking knew it!

I am so pissed off at myself for doing what I KNEW I shouldn't have done. I'm sure you can guess that I'm talking about going to see Marine. By the way, to avoid anticipation... Jamie, start collecting your money. So, I get up at like 8am on Thursday get ready and get to Marine's house at like 11am. As soon as I saw him I regretted going. He looked SO FUCKING HOT!!! I got butterflies, and nervous, and all the feelings I thought were gone came back like a ton of fucking bricks. I was like oh fuck, this is gonna suck. The last thing I wanted was for him to know how I feel about him because I know he doesn't feel the same way, so it would be pointless. So we just hung out and talked for a while and in my head I just keep thinking "I can't believe I'm still in love with him!" it's so fuckin frustrating! I wish I could just turn it off.

Then around noon he decides to make lunch (since I was too late for breakfast), so we're about to sit down and he asks if I want a beer with my lunch. Sure, I could definitely use something to ease my nerves. We eat lunch, then we just keep talking at the table and keep drinking beer. After a few beers, I was more relaxed and able to just enjoy the day. I tell him we should play a game, so we go on a hunt for cards but couldn't find any, so we settle on quarters. Oh, and before the quarters started we each had 2 shots of this greek liquor called Ouzo. So, obviously we're feeling really good. I usually suck at quarters, but it was my lucky day and I was killin him. I just kept making it and he kept taking his shots of beer. But, then as he got more drunk he got better, and the more drunk I got the worse I got.

So at about 4:30, we're both shitfaced, and I ask him what time the newlyweds are supposed to come to dinner. He goes "Oh shit! That's right! Ummmm 6 or... 6:30, I think." I asked what we're making and he has no idea. So we decide to make soup, salad, and tortelini. We go to the store (thank god it was only a couple blocks away) and buy all the ingredients and a couple of duraflames, he says "These are for in case I decide to get romantic on your ass." I just cracked up. So we get back to his house and he starts cooking, and we switched to drinking wine. The newlyweds get there and we had so much fun with them. Dinner was great, then we decided to move to the den and light a fire. So we sat, talked, drank with them for a couple hours, then they leave.

It's now about 11pm and Marine and I have been drinking since 12pm. So we are both pretty darn drunk. I tell him I'm freezing so he gets one of his sweatshirts and puts it on me, as soon as he pulled it over my head he kissed me. I just looked at him like "What the...?", then he hugged me. He pulled away still holding my hands and told me how much he cares about me, and how crazy he's been about me ever since high school, and what a great friend I've always been through everything. Up until the friend part I was starting to get nervous again. So we stood there and talked for a minute and he goes, "do you think it would a bad thing if we had sex tonight?" Ok, I'm drunk, he's absolutely gorgeous, and I realize I'm still in love with him... do you REALLY think I'm going to say no??? Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? No. So he kissed me again, we talk some more then I just went and laid down on his bed. Mostly because I was dizzy and still cold, but of course because I also wanted to get some. He comes in, we make out for a while then he gets a condom and we start having sex missionary. Well, one thing I love about him is he's big and strong, so he can flip me around with great ease. So he flips me over to do it from behind, and after a few minutes asks if I want to do anal. This is how I KNOW I was drunk because I said yes. Of course it lasted about 3 seconds and it fuckin hurt so I made him stop, so he got a new condom and we were back at it again.

Next thing I know we wake up at like 8am naked, and not quite sober yet. First thought through my head? "God DAMMMIT!!!!" He goes "So... uh... are you ok? I mean, with this... with what happened?" I told him yeah. He then asks "Really? Or are you like freaking out emotionally?" I totally played it off like I was fine. He jokingly asked "So you want to do it again?" Ummm no. I ask him for some PJ's to put on so he gives me some pants and a t-shirt of his that says "I'm here about the Blowjob." He gets up to make breakfast and I went back to sleep. He woke me up about a half hour later to eat breakfast. We're sitting there and he keeps asking to make sure that I'm ok. I kept telling him yes, I'm fine. So, then he goes "So, are you really thinking about moving back in with your old roommate?" I told him yeah and he goes "She's cute, you should hook me up." Ummm. Ok, what the FUCK did you just say??? Are you kidding? I mean seriously, are you fucking kidding me??? But, I knew I had to keep my cool so I played it off like I didn't care, but still told him no. He kept asking why. Now, I'm not sure if he actually wanted me to hook him up, or if he justs wanted me to admit my feelings for him. But he wasn't going to get either one. So I just kept saying no. Then he asks if I have any friends I would hook him up with. Nope. Would I at least introduce him so he can hook himself up? Nope. How about my sister? Nope. Sister in law? Nuh uh. By that point I know that he was just saying that to get under my skin. So, all morning he kept asking me to hook him up with someone, I would say no, and he would ask why. I just said "Because.".

After breakfast, I took a shower, got ready, and left at about 11am. I had finally sobered up, but I was totally exhausted, dehydrated, and had a slight headache which didn't make for a pleasant 2 hour drive home. On top of all of that I got so depressed, almost as bad as I was when he left when we broke up. What a miserable fuckin day. I had an interview at 1pm, so I got there right on time and just kind of fumbled my way through it. Marine called me during my interview, so I called him when I got out and he just wanted to see if I made it home safe. I told him about my interview, we talked for a few minutes, then I went home.

I got home to my grumpy, dickhead ass brother who made my day that much better. So I decided to just take a nap. I woke up like 3 hours later and went to get some water, and ran into my sister in law in the hall. She tells me that her younger brother (who's 21) and his girlfriend are coming over for dinner. So when I go into the kitchen to get some water, I see 4 place settings. Hmmm, guess I'm not invited to dinner. I was actually kind of glad because I was in the biggest anti-social mood ever, but I thought it was kind of weird that she would do that. So, I got my water and went back to bed. I watched Pearl Harbor, then went back to sleep and slept through the night until about 10am. I woke up in the same mood, just totally bummed. My brother and sister in law came in and put the dog up on my bed to wake me up, she asked if I was feeling better and I told her a little. They had no idea where I was for that 24 hours that I was gone, and never asked. Her brother and his gf spent the night, so she was making breakfast. I got up to get some water, and see (once again) 4 place settings. So, I go back to my room and try to go back to sleep. I couldn't, so I called my younger sister. We talked for a while, then Marine called just to say hi. It was totally casual, he never mentioned anything about the day before.

After we talked I was just laying in bed, and Mama's Boy calls. He could tell I was bummed and asked why, so I told him. I told him that I spent the day with an ex, had sex with him, and realize that the feelings I thought were gone actually aren't and it sucks. He ALWAYS talks to me about his little jailbait girlfriend, and her family... like I give a fuck. But I listen. I don't get jealous, I don't turn it around, I just listen and try to be a friend. Well, he on the other hand freaks out when I tell him anything about another guy and turns it around and makes it into something about me and him, which usually turns into an arguement. So I'm obviously in no mood for his shit, and tell him that it's fuckin bullshit that he does this all the time and told him I've learned my lesson about what I can and can't talk to him about. He got really pissed and said maybe we shouldn't talk at all, ever. I told him that that's perfectly fine with me and hung up on him. Can't say I'll lose any sleep over him. Idiot.

So obviously, the feelings I have for Marine are one-sided. That's what I'm learning to deal with. It's a horrible feeling, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. He wants to be friends, so be it. Even though spending that time with him totally jacked me up, I can't say I regret it because it was SO much fun. We talked and laughed ALL day. I really can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself so much. He's so much fun to be around. Is it really smart for me to try to continue a friendship knowing how much it hurts? Probably not. But he is definitely someone I want in my life, and I'll just have to learn to accept that it has to be as that, a friend.

posted by EIizabeth @ 1:58 AM