Permanent Headache
I just posted this on truuconfessions.com:
"I have literally had a headache 24 hours a day for close to two weeks. It does not ever go away, nothing helps, it just hurts, all...the...time. It's changing who I am and I hate it. Nothing means more to me than the time I get with my 14 mo old Baby and I can't even play with him. I convinced my boyfriend to call in to work yesterday so he could help me with our DS, and tonight he had to work and I was miserable and let poor Baby watch Noggin all night. This headache is making me a bad Mom. (Don't get me wrong, he was fed, changed, and taken care of, he just didn't get the attention he deserves) I need help. Oh yeah, I don't have medical insurance. God, help me."
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, this is why. I took on another job, it's kind of a stupid one, so I'm just trying it out. But I think it's just stressing me out more. Maybe these are stress headaches, I don't know. It moves around my head all day and night. It makes my neck, back, and entire body hurt, and it makes me nauseas. I have taken more excedrine, sudafed, and ibuprofin than any human being should, and still, nothing. There is no relief. I've tried hot baths, & showers, OTC medication, drinking water, drinking caffeinated soda, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried relaxing in a dark quiet room, you name it, I've tried it. So, I guess I just have to suffer.
On a lighter note, My Love just had 3 days off and I enjoyed having him home all that time SO much! We finished planting our rose bushes, we shopped, watched movies, went out to eat, just spend good quality family time together with Baby and I loved every minute of it. I loved it so much I convinced him to call in yesterday. What can I say? When it's good, it's really good! *Knock on wood*!!!! G'night.
I found the problem... maybe
So I've had a 24/7 headache for a while now, and nothing seemed to take it away. I alternate excedrine and ibuprofin almost all day every day and nothing ever took it away. I'm also always tired, i wait for My Love to get home from work every night and he gets off at 11pm so I never get to bed before 12am, usually well after. Then I get up before 6am every morning in order to start work at 6am. I was taking 2 hour naps every day when Baby takes his nap, and I felt so unproductive, so I decided to stop taking my anxiety medication so I wouldn't be so tired all the time. In the beginning I loved that it helped me to sleep so well, but then I became so sleepy all the time and I was unable to keep up with housework, etc. So, I stopped taking it, and I've noticed a big difference in how much more alert I've become, I'm still tired of course, but not so sleepy and groggy all the time. With the sleepiness, the headaches seemed to go away as well, until this afternoon. I have one right now and it's making me miserable. Baby is taking his nap and I think I may lay down just so I can try to get rid of this headache. And once again, have an unproductive afternoon. I hate this. I still have 2 rose bushes to plant, and my Dad is coming over for dinner tonight. I went out of my way to make a really nice home cooked dinner last night, and My Love really liked it, so I figured today he wouldn't mind if I just put a frozen lasagna in the oven and made a salad because it's easy. And he just kinda sighed, and said "Yeah, that's fine." I know he's bugged about it, but he needs to remember that I have a full time job from home, AS WELL AS take care of our 14 mo old son, and do all the house keeping! No, dinner tonight will not be made from scratch, get over it. I'm off to conquer this headache. See ya!
So blessed
It's 9:14pm on a Saturday night, I just finished cleaning the entire house (which I am so blessed to own), listening to Jack's Big Music Show on TV (which I am so blessed to be able to provide for my son, and to enjoy for myself), and watching my little angel walk around with his walker, I can't even begin to try to explain how blessed I feel to have him. A house, a baby, a boyfriend, a dog, a yard, 2 cars, a job... these are all things that take so much time, work, and energy, but I try to take time every single day to thank God for each and every one of these things. I don't know what I would do without any of them, and don't want to imagine my life without any of them. I have come so far in my life, and worked so hard, and continue to work hard to get where I am, and I appreciate everything I have. Life is too short to take anything, or anyone for granted. So at the end of the day when I'm frustrated, exhausted, and wanting to sleep for a week straight, I remember how lucky I am, and that is what makes me get up the next morning at 5:45am. It's good to be me. G'night.
Smelling Like Roses
Well, the visit with My Love's family when surprisingly well. His mother gave me a necklace for Mother's Day, and was very appreciative of the framed picture I gave her of Baby. His sister was her normal self, she's quiet, and gets anxiety a lot, so I don't expect much from her, but she was very nice. His Grandma and I sat and talked for a while about cooking, and recipes when she said "Let's go to Wal-Mart and I will buy you some rose bushes for your back yard." How nice was that? So, we went and she bought me 3 red rose bushes. I want to put 3 red and 3 white. We came home last night and the 3 of us had a really nice night at home. We put Baby to bed at about 10:30 and watched TV for a while. I knew he would be wanting sex, but I just really didn't want to do it last night. So, he was being really nice and even said we would go to Lowe's today and get whatever else I needed to get my garden started. Usually he's like, have fun! See you later! When I want to do stuff like that, so it was a very nice gesture on his part, however, I'm not stupid and I know it was a ploy to get laid. I thanked him and told him I would love that then gave him a kiss and closed my eyes to try to go to sleep. He said he couldn't sleep so he got up for a while. Well, the smarty left his e-mail open by accident so this morning when I got up to work I see that he was receiving naked pictures (which were clearly fake off the internet) from some girl last night. No text, just pictures. When he did finally come to bed last night, he woke me up by rubbing my back and being really sweet, in hopes I would turn over and want to have sex. No such luck. I don't even want to do it now, but I think I'll go wake him up and surprise him in a little bit. I know what you're probably thinking, what about the pictures? Well, it really doesn't bother me. And I don't feel pressured like I need to give him some before he goes somewhere else to get it, nothing like that. I am just not as tired this morning, and it's been like a week, so what the hell. Wow, I just read some of my first posts when I started this blog. It brought back so many memories. Wow how my life has changed! Ok, well, it's off to a day of sex, shopping, and roses. Have a good one!
Exhaustion
The exhaustion has finally brought me to tears. I'm so tired I can't stand it. It was a good night. My Love came home for dinner and it was nice, I tried a new recipe and it was a hit. Then Baby and I had a great night together, he's feeling so much better and it's so nice to have my happy baby back! He was talking and talking so, trying to make an effort, I called My Love's mom so she could talk to Baby on the phone. It made her really happy. That, and she's so excited to see him tomorrow. She was also really nice about me coming, even saying it's "great" that I got time off of work. I do have to throw in that I'm pissed about the American Idol results show tonight, I wanted to see Danny Gokey in the finals so bad, but oh well, we get to see Screamin' Lambert instead. Boo. I do love Kris Allen though, so GO KRIS! Ok, I'm going to either pass out or die, so I think I pick pass out. G'night.
Tired but Relieved
I am exhausted today, my eyes have been burning all morning. I've been really slacking at work, and just can't concentrate on anything it seems. This week has been really rough with Baby being sick and all. Last night I took him ouside to take a walk, because the weather was nice and we hadn't been out all day. So we took his little push walker out and were walking on the sidewalk, everything was great! Then he started coughing so I told him to sit down and get a drink of his juice, the coughing turned into choking and he threw up all over himself, me, and some poor person's driveway. I felt SO bad for him! So, I picked him up, walked home, and put him straight in the bathtub. After that he was perfectly fine, I just think he needed to get ride of the gunk in his tummy related to his ear infections. I'll spare you the gross details. After that he was fine, we relaxed and cuddled watching TV. I waited up for My Love to get home from work then went to bed shortly after he got home. I did manage to get a little video of our walk, pre-peuking, so this morning I decided to be nice and e-mail it to My Love's mother. with a very nice e-mail. I was afraid she wouldn't reply, and made myself nauseas again worrying about it. But, then I get a reply that was just as nice back from her. So, I'm relieved. It's so touch and go with her. My feelings towards her have not changed, and I highly doubt they ever will, but it's nice when she's nice. We'll see how Thursday and Friday go when we visit her. I'm sure it will be fine, Baby always puts her in a great mood. Her problem is that she feels she doesn't see him enough, and that she's not involved with him enough, but she expects us to make all the effort! Anyway, I'm too tired to get into that this morning. My Love and Baby are still asleep so it's very quiet around here. I just thought maybe if I blogged a little I'd wake up, but no such luck. See ya later!
Unwelcome Guest
Guess that's what I'm going to be on Thursday when we got visit My Love's family. He has Thursdays & Fridays off, so that's the only time we can go visit his family. Well, he told his mom we'd be going and I guess she was hoping that since I work Friday's I wouldn't go. I talked to his Grandma today and she asked "Are (My Love) and Baby still coming on Thursday?" I told her "Yes, WE will all be there." She goes "Oh... you're coming too?" Uh yeah! I am. Sorry to burst his mother's bubble, actually I'm not sorry. I'm sure she was very excited to have "her" boys go visit without me so she can talk sh!t about me, but guess what, where MY family goes, I go! Get used to it! I don't know how something so little upset me so much, but it did. After I talked to his Grandma I got a headache and I'm nauseas. I get along with her great, I get along with everyone in his family just fine, his mom and sister are the only ones that have something against me and I honestly do not know why. I think it's because he made the choice to live away from them, and live here with me, and they blame me for it like I took him from them. I never asked him to move here, he moved here because he loves it here and he wanted to get away from his family's drama (i.e. his sister's alcoholism). I don't blame him, but it's always been his choice, he's a grown man. But his mom doesn't see it that way, everything is someone else's fault. And the fact that he doesn't live with her anymore is definitely my fault, according to her. So, this visit will be fun. Ugh.
Here we go again...
I got online this morning to work, and see in our internet history that My Love created a profile on Singles.net last night. I'm not even mad, just sad. Why does he do this? I always see in the history that he looks at a lot of girls' myspace pages, which I don't care about because he's just looking at pictures and I'm not that jealous. But to know that he has created a profile telling the world that he's single and looking breaks my heart. He even put on there that he has a child that lives with him. Too bad there wasn't a box to check that he has a GIRLFRIEND, and MOTHER OF HIS CHILD living with him as well. So, I logged into it (I guessed his password) and changed a setting or two to make it more truthful, i.e. i changed his body type from "Average" to "Few Extra Pounds". I hope he doesn't get an e-mail notifying him of the update. What a great way to start the day. I feel really nauseas.
Last October he came home from work and said we need to talk. He gave me some bullshit about we need some time apart because everything is too perfect and we never fight, and that basically our relationship is too good. What the fuck does that even mean??? So, he left, saying he was going to stay with a friend and didn't know when or if he would be back. He said he would come back every day to get more clothes for the next day and see the baby though so I would still see him every day. Then he walked out the door to go stay with his jobless, pot smoking, binge drinking friend. He had a great week full of fun, eating out and girls. Then came back one morning 5 days later (he was sick with a bad cold), said he missed me and loved me and went straight to bed. Come to find out he was seeing 2 girls he works with during those 5 days. He still doesn't know I know this. Of course when he came home I was suspicious so I checked the texts on his phone and one of the girls was saying how much she misses him already, and when are they going to be together, blah blah blah. Over the next few days they sent a lot of texts and he told her that he does care about her and wants to be with her someday but it can't be now, and now he just wants to fuck her. Yes, he did say it in those words. So, that hurt her and she pretty much backed off. THey still send texts once in a while, but they're little "hi how are you" one liners. So, i don't THINK anything is going on there, but I could be wrong. The other girl seemed much more on top of her game, they never had texts like he had with the first girl, just kind of flirty texts. I haven't seen a text from her in a while though. So, I haven't said a word to him about it. He really thinks I'm that stupid, that I don't have a clue what really went on that week. He said that week was so hard for him, and for me not to think that he just took a break from his life and had fun because he really had a hard time. I cant believe I didn't punch him in his face when he told me that, knowing what I know. But, before you jump down my throat about being a doormat, there's a reason. The only reason I'm still here, is for Baby. I don't want to share custody of him, I don't want him to grow up in My Love's home town, I don't want My Love's mother to have anything to do with raising him. I want much much better than that for Baby! So, the only way to make sure those things don't happen is to stay together. I know what you're thinking, Baby is better off with us apart if we're miserable. But we're really not miserable. Everyone from the outside looking in believes we have a perfect relationship. We don't fight, we don't argue, we don't yell (well, excluding the times after his mom calls and he screams at me), we bicker from time to time, but over all we get along great. We are very affectionate and Baby sees that. That is how I want him to grow up. In a loving home with both of his parents. Am I wrong for doing this? Probably. Am I selfish for doing this? Probably. But you know what? Nothing, and I do mean nothing is more important to me than Baby, and if I need to deal with some bullshit to ensure he's not from a broken home, and to ensure he's raised right, so be it. Not only that, My Love doesn't put half, or even 1/8 of the energy as I put into raising Baby, so I would die worrying about him when he's not with me if we were to split custody, not to mention his lack of patience with Baby. It's just not an option for me. Well, I guess that's it for now.
Poor Baby
My poor little angel is sick and I hate it! He started feeling bad on Thursday/Friday, but I just thought he was teething. He got progressively worse over the weekend so I took him to the doctor today and he has a double ear infection. So he started an antibiotic today, and hopefully he'll be good as new soon. I feel so bad when he's sick, I wish I could take all his discomfort from him and have it myself. I do like that he's so cuddly when he's sick, I just wish he didn't have to be sick to be that way! Last night when My Love came home from work, I pushed him straight into the bedroom and had my way with him :) He didn't expect it at all which made it even more fun! Our sex life has really been lacking lately. He just doesn't put much effort into it anymore, and I can't remember the last time he complimented me, so I haven't exactly been in the mood lately. But last night, something came over me. I think it was because he was so sweet on Mother's Day. Anyway, I'm off to spoil my little one. G'night!
Catching Up
Ok, so it has been a long long time since my last post. Let's bring you up to speed... My Love and I moved in to an apartment together in Feb. 2007, found out I was pregnant in June 2007, he freaked out, I had a successful pregnancy and our baby was born in March 2008. We outgrew the apt and bought a house In March 2009. No proposal, no marriage plans, just taking things day to day. We've had more than our share of drama with his family, er, his mom. She's not my biggest fan I don't think. According to her, EVERYTHING is about her, and I do mean EVERYTHING. She makes My Love feel guilty every time they talk, about not living closer to her, and not including her in everything we do. I'm trying to make this re-cap as brief as possible, but I do have to share a conversation she and I had after she called My Love crying after Baby's birthday party because she hacked into my photo sharing website and saw that I didn't have any pictures of her from Baby's 1st birthday party. So, because she wasn't in any pictures from the party that she was never meant to see anyway (she had pictures that were taken with her own camera), she called him crying hysterically saying that she's losing them (meaning My Love and Baby, excluding me because she's made it very clear I'm not part of HER family), and when My Love told her she's not losing him and that we (meaning he and I) are doing everything we can to include her in our lives, she said "I don't care about her! I care about you and Baby!" What she doesn't realize is that those two are MY family now, and she needs to learn to deal with that. So, My Love gets extremely upset after that phone call, screams at me in my face leaves and slams the front door so hard that the wall-mounted stereo in Baby's room fell off the wall and broke. I called her to ask her what she told him to upset him so bad, and she said she didn't care if he got upset, it's time she told him that she's always left out, and how my family is so horrible and how mean they are to her, and how they "treat her like a dog" NONE of which is true. She tried to give me examples of things my family said or did to her at Baby's party that I knew were flat out lies because I witnessed those situations with my own eyes at the party, and what she said is NOT what happened, but of course My Love doesn't want to hear and doesn't care about anything I have to say regarding his Mom, I can't even mention his Mom to him unless I'm going to tell him she smells like roses. She told me in the phone conversation "You are driving my son and I apart! Before you came along it was just me and him!" Um, then your son grew up, moved to a city with more opportunity, found a girlfriend who he loves and loves him back, started a family together, and bought a beautiful house together! But you can't be proud of him for any of that, you just focus on YOU YOU YOU! Well guess what! I HATE YOU! You are a selfish fucking bitch and I can't stand to even think of you, much less the sight of you! You make me sick! You are an energy sucker, and the biggest downer I have ever known! It is not My Love's fault that you had an affair with a married man and conceived My Love because of it, nor does he owe you anything for raising him! It is NOT My Love's fault that his sister is an alcoholic and that you are "stuck" (as you say) taking care of her! It is not his fault that you are single, and will most likely never have a boyfriend again! None of YOUR problems are his fault, and he does not OWE YOU anything!!! Listen to yourself the next time you call him with one of your guilt trips and hear what a selfish, low-life, no good mother you are! Listen to how hurt he is when you lay all your guilt on him and make him feel like he never does enough for you! Or better yet, why don't you spend a day in my shoes. Why don't you come here and get screamed at for something that you have nothing to do with, but he will take all his anger sadness and frustration out on you because he's too afraid to tell his mother how he really feels! Come get a silent treatment from him. Come watch him slam the door and leave, not telling you where he's going or when he'll come back because his mother upset him so much, and now you and Baby have to pay for it! But I will never be able to say word to him about how I feel or how you are hurting our family, because his loyalty is completely with you, instead of with me where it should be. So, I just shut up and hold it all in with a smile on my face, and rub his back and take the emotional and verbal abuse he dishes out because you upset him! You are ruining all of our lives you stupid horrible miserable bitch! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, did you like your birthday present? I am the one who remembered your birthday, not your son. I am the one that thought of your gift, not your son. I am the one who bought your gift. NOT YOUR SON! How about the Mother's Day card I mailed to you, to tell you what a wonderful Grandma you are? Guess who thought of it, bought it, signed it with Love, and mailed it? NOT YOUR SON! Who called you on Mother's Day so you can talk to your grand baby? Not your son! That's right you ungrateful bitch. It was all ME! But just so you know, I don't do it for you, I do it for YOUR SON! I do it for MY FAMILY!
Ok, wow, I didn't expect all of that to come out, but it's on my mind all day every day. I am on anxiety meds because of the stress I have from My Love's mom, and they aren't even working. I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. She wants him to take Baby and go up to visit this week on his days off, but I don't want him to go without me because God only knows what lies she will put in his head about me, so I'm just going to tell him I will work overtime early in the week to make up the hours and take the day off so I can go with them. We'll see what he says.
