Sex... love... uh oh's

Dad

My dad flew in from New Mexico for the weekend, and it was really good to see him. We've definitely had our issues, but he's my Dad and I love him to death, always will. He left today and I feel like absolute sh!t. From the first night he was here I noticed changes in him. He gets disoriented easily (he got lost in my brother's 3 bedroom house twice), he coughs up a lung every morning, he had no energy so everywhere we went he just sat on benches and smoked while he waited for us to shop or do whatever we were doing, he's always always been an early bird and up hours before we are but this weekend we had to wake him up. He's only 58. He has diabetes that is very out of control, he's way over weight and is constantly eating and drinking soda, he has emphysema and still smokes like a chimney, he has more health problems that I have space on my blog to write about. His health is deteriorating very fast and it makes me so fuckin mad! I've written him notes and talked to him since I was a little girl, crying, begging him to stop smoking, and take care of himself. I've told him countless times how I need a dad around to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, and for my kids to call Grandpa. I know that he won't do it unless he wants to, and that's when I get really mad. Doesn't he want these things??? Doesn't he want to be around to see me do all the things my sister did? Not to mention my younger sister who's only 20. I love him so much, but when I think about how fucking selfish he's being by choosing cigarettes and french fries over life... and being there to see his grandchildren I wish I could hate him. I wish I could say I don't care. But I do care, I want a dad! I want my dad! At the rate he's going... I don't know, I don't want to put a prognosis on him, but it's not good. I know that. He was here for less than 48 hours and he brought 6 packs of cigarettes with him. Six fucking packs for less than a 48 hour trip!

I was SO bummed after he left today, so on my way home I called Mama's Boy to get my mind off it. He was being really nice, we didn't talk about my dad's health at all, just what we did over the weekend. So we're talking and he mentions that he gave his ex (who we'll call Jailbait, she's 19 or 20 now but was 17 when they got together) his Christmas list of all the gifts he wanted to get everyone for Christmas and she took care of all his shopping for him. Then he said he told her what xbox games he wants, so he knows she'll get him that. I asked what's going on between them and he said nothing, that they hang out, and hook up sometimes, but that they're not together. He also said she talks about them being married and having kids some day. A little while later in the conversation he was asking if he'll get to see me when I'm in town. I told him of course. He was like "Will I get to see you 2 times? How about 3? Can I get a 4?" I ask him what he's doing for New Year's and he said probably spending it at home quietly because he has a tournament that weekend. Just as I was about to talk to him about spending New Year's together, he said that Jailbait has been hinting that she wants to spend the night with him at his apartment because her mom will be out of town and she has to work that weekend too. I was like "well that's cool." He goes "I guess." I asked him why he didn't seem so enthused and he said it's because he's not sure what he wants with her. He said that between her and I he's really confused. I asked him to explain. He said that he really wants to be with me, and nobody has ever been as good to him as I was, but we live 1300 miles apart. Then he said he also wants to be with Jailbait, but wants to kill her half the time because she's so mean. Hmmm. Ok. That makes sense. Not. I had to get off the phone after that because my brother wanted me to hang out with them, so that's where the conversation ended. Later we had a text message conversation that went like this:

Me: "So, are plans with Jailbait set in stone for New Year's?"
MB: No.
Me: "So if someone else were to hint about spending new year's with you, would she get mad?"
MB: "Oh that would be death to me."
Me: Well, we don't want that.
MB: No we don't, life is good, almost as good as boobs.
Me: Hmm. Ok, well g'night.
MB: You goin to bed?
Me: Nope.
MB: Then why g'night?
Me: I don't want to talk to you right now.

Now that changes everything. I'm not going to play his games, or compete for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I know he's expecting to get some when I'm there. He definitely has another thing comin if that's what he thinks. He'll get a lunch, maybe. I'm not going to spend time with him and get my emotions going only for him to say, "ok I have to go spend the night with Jailbait." He must be crazy. Today fuckin sucked.

posted by EIizabeth @ 7:44 PM